No Seriously … What The F*%k Are You Doing in the Restroom?!
Etiquette (aka Sh*t Your Mom Should Have Taught You):
How to Use the Restroom at Work – Part 2
If you’re in a stall, close the f*cking door! Really! WHY? No, seriously, WHY?! … You think you’re at home, sitting on the damned toilet with the door open reading the newspaper! You’re not at home, nasty A**!
This is Part 2 of a post from September 17th. If you are lost, please refer to Part 1.
Having worked in the private sector for many years, I have seen all manner of public restroom etiquette – or more accurately, the lack thereof! As a result, I have culled some rules to keep you A**HOLES safe from getting an old-fashioned ASS WHUPPING!
6. This is for the guys – it’s a stall, not the library! Stop taking the damned newspaper or magazine from the common area near the receptionist into the restroom to read while you take your morning, mid-morning, afternoon, late afternoon dump! Stop it! First of all, it should never, never, ever, ever, never, ever take you that long to take a dump. (It should take you about as long as it did to read that sentence.) If you can read more than the headline, then you need to run to the doctor because something is wrong, very wrong. Chances are your intestines are as clogged as pipes from the 50s … the 1850s! It’s no coincidence that so many male celebrities have died on the toilet!
Second of all, who the hell wants to read the paper or magazine after you’ve had it in the restroom … the men’s restroom of all places?! We know most of you don’t wash your hands! That’s right … your secret is out! We all know it because we have spies and they report all sorts of things that go on in the men’s restroom. That’s how they caught Senator Craig with his alleged “wide stance” and George Michaels doing whatever it is he does in there.
7. Wash your nasty ass hands! This goes for everyone but especially the guys. How many times have we watched a scene in a movie or on TV where a guy uses the urinal, in effect touching his penis with his hands (God only knows where that thing has been), and then walks out of the restroom without even so much as a sideways glance at the sink?! I caught a guy at a party I was throwing do just that. I stopped him and said, “I don’t want your dick hands in my chips so wash your nasty hands, A**HOLE!” He reluctantly complied. I watched him all night. He stayed away from the bowl of chips! I had my stapler on the ready, just in case.
8. If you’re in a stall, use the f*cking lock! If it’s broken, use your foot! How hard is it to secure yourself in that tiny space?! Sometimes it’s hard to know if someone is in the stall. And, no one wants to walk in on you taking care of business. It happened to me one day at work … I inadvertently walked in on a co-worker and saw everything … all of nature’s ugliness right there on display! There was nowhere to go and the only thing to do was mumble an apology and run out of the restroom, completely forgetting why I had entered in the first place. After that, our interactions were quite awkward and it was never, ever spoken of! As a matter of fact, I just ignored this person completely.
9. If you’re in a stall, close the f*cking door! Really! WHY? No, seriously, WHY?! I can’t believe I have to tell you this! You know who you are! You think you’re at home, sitting on the damned toilet with the door open reading the newspaper! You’re not at home, nasty A**! It’s a public restroom! I can’t even wrap my mind around why someone does this at work or in any public place. If you’re claustrophobic, pee outside or use the handicap stall, preferably the latter!
10. Peeping Tom and Tina! As if #9 weren’t bad enough, there are the perverts to contend with. There are ways to check to see if a stall is occupied and then there are A**HOLE ways, like peeping through the cracks and creeping out your co-workers. I worked at a place where a co-worker, who shall remain nameless, had the very bad habit (one of many) of peeping through the cracks to see if anyone was in the stall. I don’t want to see you looking at me looking at you while I pee! This person once stood outside another co-worker’s stall until they made eye contact. WTF?! Are you crazy?! Bend at the waste and look for feet, DUMBASS! If I see the whites of your eye, I am sticking a pencil in it!
11. It’s YOUR cycle and I’ll cry if I want to! Ladies … ladies … no one else needs to know it’s that time of the month for you. No, boo, we don’t. But, chances are we already do because you’ve eaten every piece of chocolate in the office, you’re wearing your “fat pants” and you’re a total bitch (more so than usual). And, when another woman goes into a stall after you, she shouldn’t have to become a blood splatter expert to solve the crime that is you not knowing how to clean up after yourself, you dirty biatche! Use that little metal trashcan built into the stall wall and dispose of your junk properly! Oh, and for the real f&cktards, your tampons belong in the toilet! I’m not saying anymore about that. I shouldn’t have to! Sorry fellas … the biatches have to be educated!
12. Guys, stop shaking urine off your penis and sticking it back in your dirty drawers. It’s gross, plain and simple. If women hovered over the toilet, shook their asses and just walked out of the stall (presumably after they’d pulled their panties and pants back up, hopefully in that order), you’d think they were the nastiest creatures in the world. You would never want to go down on one … well, you’d find a way. But, you shake piss off your dick and don’t understand why a woman doesn’t want to put a piss-smelling, urine-tasting dick in her mouth. (Yeah, I said it! We’re all adults and people give and receive BJs! The only A**HOLE who will have a problem with this is the one not getting any!) BTW, for my gays, guys don’t want to do it either! Use a stall, pee standing or sitting (I don’t care which) and then wipe the piss off your little dick, A**HOLE! BTW, try a little grooming down there! If women have to get a Brazilian, the least you can do is trim that forest!
If you follow at least a few of these rules, I am sure your workplace restroom (and maybe even the bathroom in your home) will be the sanctuary we all need when taking a break from a grueling day … instead of the place where you need a hazmat suit just to wash your hands!
Check out this flowchart on Huffington Post that tells you where it’s okay to pee! In case you’re wondering, peeing on the seat for your co-workers to find is NOT on this chart! If you want to mark your territory, become a f&cking dog in your next life!
Policy Ain’t Practice, Sen. McCain
A**HOLE of the Month (September) – Senator John McCain
Even though the story that earned him the title happened a week ago, I had to be certain that no other A**HOLES would pop out of the woodwork before handing out the crown. It’s been a crazy month and lots of people have made all sorts of news, but no one as reprehensible as once respectable Senator John McCain flip-flopping on “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”.
McCain seems to have become the crotchety, ill-mannered old grandfather you keep locked in his room and only bring out once a week to hose down in the backyard.
Last week the senate failed to pass a bill on a defense authorization measure which included an amendment to gradually repeal DADT, the shameful Clinton-era policy that was supposed to allow gay and lesbian service members to serve without fear of being discharged as a result of their sexual orientation. Under DADT, the military would no longer actively seek to determine a service member’s sexual orientation – Don’t Ask. And, service members had to remain the closet – Don’t Tell. However, the reality of the act has come up very short compared to the promise. Gay and lesbian service members are routinely investigated, outed, harassed and discharged. This is especially troubling given this country’s active engagement in two wars, the military’s inability to meet recruitment quotas and that many service members who are forced out have much-needed, special language and other skills.
At one time, Sen. John McCain was one of the supporters of the repeal of DADT. Three years ago when he was preparing to run for president, McCain supported repealing the failed policy. However, since his disastrous bid to become president, during which he unleashed Sarah Palin onto the world like a human herpes virus and lost any dignity he once had by suckling at the teat of the Republican party to gain its support, McCain seems to have become the crotchety, ill-mannered old grandfather you keep locked in his room and only bring out once a week to hose down in the backyard. (Oh … not everyone treats their grandfather that way … then shame on you! You don’t love your grandfather!)
During an interview where he was asked about the military’s practice to actively seek out and discharge gay and lesbian service members under DADT, McCain’s needle got stuck on the one or two sound bites he can recall at any given time. Ignoring the reporter’s question about the actual practice, not the policy, McCain chose to stay on point and repeat “It is not the policy, it is not the policy, it is not the policy” as if he were clicking his ruby-red, heel-covered feet in a futile effort to return to Kansas … Arizona!
Repeatedly stating something, no matter how emphatic while ignoring glaring evidence to the contrary, is the definition of CRAZY, but not just regular crazy, BAT-SH&T CRAZY! And, that’s where this once-respectable senator finds himself, repeating illogical Republican sound bites that ignore the facts and replace them with rhetoric that only makes sense if you live in a world with lavender unicorns and blue horseys. BTW, I heard Glenn Beck has a time share there!
And, for that, John McCain is the A**HOLE of the Month!
Week Three of Football – The ‘Boys are Back!
Football A**HOLES of the Week:
[The Vikings] beat the Lions. Surely I don’t need to say more here. … I think [the Lions] actually played a mannequin at quarterback!
The New York Giants
I hate the GIANTS! I do! And, I hate Eli Manning! Why? The Giants – that’s obvious! They are one of the Cowboys’ biggest rivals. Eli – he always looks like he’s a few breaths from a full-throated baby cry! He looks like he wants to kill himself every time he steps onto the field. I also hate him for turning the draft on its ear when he refused to play after being drafted by San Diego.
But, the main reason I hate him is that he is obviously talented yet after seven years in the league he continues to make DUMBASS play after DUMBASS play! His intercepted pass looked like something out of Favre’s playbook and cost the Giants a touchdown. But, this week he was not alone! Player after player on that team committed one horrid mistake after the other. They ended this week’s game with FIVE PERSONAL FOULS, one of them for throwing a punch! Come on! Really?! This isn’t the f*cking UFC! The rumors about firing Coughlin are swirling again because the Giants are out of control and look awful!
The Washington Redskins’ Albert Haynesworth
I am sick to death of this big bear-sized baby complaining about changing his position. This might actually be the first time someone makes this list for NOT playing football or doing ANYTHING noteworthy (good or bad) on the field. This A**HOLE complained to a local paper that he is not a slave and that “Just because somebody pay [sic] you money don’t [sic] mean they’ll make you do whatever they want or whatever. I mean, does that mean everything is for sale?”
First off, why don’t you spend some of your down time learning subject-verb agreement since you won’t spend it learning your new position, DUMBASS?! Second, paying a FOOTBALLL PLAYER to PLAY FOOTBALL is not the Redskins asking your DUMBASS to “do whatever they want or whatever.” By your wonderfully sound logic, Albert, when a partner asks me to draft a contract, I should tell her, “Kiss my A**! How dare you expect me to do exactly what you pay me to do?! The nerve of these people!”
The Minnesota Vikings
Let’s not get too quick to claim the ship in Minnesota has been righted just because they won and Adrian Peterson had over 150 yards and two touchdowns. They beat the Lions. Surely I don’t need to say more here. It was the Lions. I think they actually played a mannequin at quarterback! If Minnesota could not defeat the Lions, the entire organization should’ve been booted out of the NFL right into the UFL, with Brett Favre driving the bus!
Football SWEET ASSES of the Week:
He certainly will never win a pet owner of the year award but … Vick put on a friggin’ clinic against the Jaguars!
The Dallas Cowboys
Who knew they’d make an appearance here? Given how they looked the last two weeks, I thought they were competing with the Lions and 49ers for the number 1 draft pick next year. But, this week, I have to give the Cowboys and Roy Williams some love. After spending most of last season complaining about how Tony Romo threw balls that were too difficult for him to catch, Williams finally shut up and did what he is paid to do! He stretched out his unnaturally long arms and made some catches against the Texans (including two touchdowns). Williams’ inspired play led the Cowboys to their first victory of the season, thereby avoiding (temporarily) the public tarring and feathering of Wade Phillips on the streets of Dallas.
The Philadelphia Eagles’ Michael Vick
He certainly will never win a pet owner of the year award but he was one of this week’s SWEET ASSES! Vick put on a friggin’ clinic against the Jaguars. Yeah, I know … they’re the Jaguars. My grandfather could put on a clinic against them and he’s dead! But, I have to give Vick his due because I’ve watched his play steadily improve over the last ten quarters. If he keeps this up, this will be a very exciting season for the Eagles. I’m not forgiving him his past sins just yet, but he makes the Eagles a very interesting team to watch.
The Pittsburgh Steelers
As a Cowboys’ fan, it hurts to type this! And, I know I am in imminent danger of being struck by lightning for even thinking of giving the Steelers praise. But, here goes! Without DUMB BEN, the Steelers are off to a great 3-0 start! And, they have beaten fairly good teams, including the Atlanta Falcons who just upset the Super Bowl Champion Saints!
The Green Bay Packers vs. The Chicago Bears
They are both undefeated. Someone will lose. This is the reverse of last week’s nail biter between the Rams and the Raiders. People watching this game will actually care about the outcome. And, it’s highly unlikely either of these teams will unseat any of this week’s SWEET ASSES and A**HOLES!
My Attorney Made Me Do It!
Update: Lohan was released later this evening after some other California judge decided to do something dumb, like following the actual law!
First off, let’s state the obvious … LINDSAY LOHAN is a f&cking train wreck! Who actually thought she wouldn’t fall off the wagon into a mound of cocaine?! This outcome was about as predictable as another homosexual sex scandal involving a homophobic preacher (I got my eye on you, Bishop Long).
Let’s chronicle HOW we got here today. Lindsay gets out of jail early, which happens for everyone sent to jail in California (where about 68% of the population is or has been a guest of the prison industrial complex). Then, she leaves rehab early. Maybe someone played that Amy Winehouse song for her and she said “F&ck this sh*t! If Amy ain’t doing it, then I ain’t doing it!” In case you’re wondering, that’s how Lindsay talks.
Just because [Lindsay] was left alone in her hotel room and chose to do coke is not the fault of her attorney. I have spent many nights alone in a hotel room and a few grams of coke have never magically appeared next to the Gideon Bible!
Then, just a sure as rain in Seattle on a Tuesday, she starts doing drugs again. But, in her defense, apparently Lindsay didn’t get the memo informing her DUMBASS that cocaine is indeed a DRUG, highly likely to show up on a DRUG test! And, according to the LATE Rick James, it is a very powerful drug at that!
An even bigger A**HOLE in this saga is MICHAEL LOHAN for doing drugs around young Lindsay when she was a child. With this f*cked up family, truth imitates fiction … Lohan utters the famous line from that PSA commercial “I learned it by watching you!” while her father snorts coke and passes her the straw. I think the only person doing more coke than Lohan is Tony Montana and we saw how that ended after “Say hello to my little friend!”
Then Papa Lohan has the audacity to blame this latest drug binge on her attorney. He claims the bad advice given by Lohan’s attorney led to this! Excuse me! One usually does not go from bad advice directly to coke up one’s nose. Usually there’s a lot of sh&t in between. And, it’s not like the attorney bought the coke, gave her a straw and a mirror, and then held her hair back!
Sorry, Michael! I ain’t buying it! Just because your daughter was left alone in her hotel room and chose to do coke is not the fault of her attorney. I have spent many nights alone in a hotel room and a few grams of coke have never magically appeared next to the Gideon Bible! But, it was Fashion Week! Maybe when Lohan got her bedbug-themed gift basket, it included complimentary cocaine! How else do you think those girls remain a size -6?!
And, we’re not the only ones who have had enough of Lindsay. A few weeks ago, JERRY LEWIS let it be known that she’d better watch herself or he’d snack her in the mouth! Damn Jerry! Spending time with all those crippled kids has left you with lots of pent up anger … but he does have a point! And, kudos to JUDGE ELDEN FOX for denying Lohan bail thereby ensuring she’ll be locked up for at least 30 days this time! Good luck finding drugs! Ohh … wait … she’s going to JAIL … never mind!
So, for not realizing cocaine is indeed a drug and all of her other missteps these past 3 years, Lindsay Lohan is this week’s A**HOLE! But for being such an awful parent and clearly an enabler, Michael Lohan is this week’s even BIGGER A**HOLE!
Week Two of Football – Just Shank Me Now!
Football A**HOLES of the Week:
[Wade Phillips] shows about as much excitement during the game as a fat kid confronted with a platter of crudités for his birthday instead of cake!
The Dallas Cowboys – They Want Me Dead!
In their second game of the season, the Cowboys did what many elite teams in the NFL are unable or unwilling to do, make the Chicago Bears and Lovie Smith look good! BTW, what the f*ck kind of name is Lovie for a man?! Your parents really hate you! You can’t name a kid something like that these days and get away with it! Try naming your son Susie and I bet he stabs you in your sleep! But, back to football!
Since their visit to the Super Bowl four seasons ago, the Bears have looked lost and confused, like a professional soccer team in the US. This week in Dallas, however, they looked right at home and even had more fans in Dallas’ stadium than the home team.
The Cowboys can’t blame this loss on Alex Barron! Since his number wasn’t called once during the game, I can only assume that Barron was tied up in the locker room by Jerry Jones. But, even without his bone-headed plays, the Cowboys still managed to f*ck up in almost every quarter. In the first quarter, after their first score, the Cowboys decided to try an on-side kick … WHY?! I screamed as I pulled out my hair watching the kick sail in the air and right into the hands of a Bear. The damned kick didn’t even travel ten yards and it severely shortened the field for the Bears. That led to an easy score that was the difference between a much-needed Cowboy win and the actual loss they earned.
Ahh, Jason Garrett, you and Wade Phillips are trying to kill me! Yes! You are! On the sidelines, Wade Phillips looks as if he is coaching a Pee Wee team. As if each loss means nothing and he’s going to buy the kids pizza and ice cream afterwards to make them feel better. And, he shows about as much excitement during the game as a fat kid confronted with a platter of crudités for his birthday instead of cake! Wake up Wade! It’s the f*cking NFL! This is a professional team playing in a professional league in a stadium that cost a billion dollars!
Can we please have Apollo Creed from the Bud Light commercials as our coach? He at least has what LOOKS like a play book from Madden NFL! Jason Garrett has been touted as the next great hope for the Cowboys along with Tony Romo. How is that working out? Well, let’s see! Since their anointment, the dynamic duo have combined for ONE f*cking win in three post-seasons. One post-season showing was so horrific that it made T.O. cry and he doesn’t even have working tear ducts!
On a high note, both DeMarcus Ware and Miles Austin looked great (even with a few dropped balls and after dating Kim “I’ll do anyone in an NFL jersey” Kardashian)!
The Minnesota Vikings’ Brett Favre
I loved to hate Brett Favre when he played in Green Bay. His battles with the Cowboys were legendary and always fun to watch. But then he retired. Then he unretired and went to the Jets. Then he retired again. Then he unretired and went to the Vikings. Then he retired. I died and came back to life just as he unretired to play again. Enough already, A**HOLE! You’re almost 41! You retired to skip training camp. Then, you started the regular season and looked a bit rusty in the loss to the Super Bowl Champion Saints. No worries, you’re Brett Favre and you can pull it together. But you didn’t! Now, there’s really no way to sugar coat this … you sucked monkey balls and now your team is 0 and 2!
The next time you retire, I hope your teammates tie you up in someone’s basement! That commercial where you’re still playing in the NFL long after everyone else is dead … no one wants to see that … except your DUMBASS! Retire for good and give the Vikings a chance to build a team that won’t have to hold practice in a nursing home!
The Tennessee Titans’ Jeff Fisher, Vince Young AND Kerry Collins
Mr. Fisher make up your f*cking mind! If Young is your man then play him … all the damned time! Vince saved your f*cking job last season … he is 13-2 since he became the starter. What message do you send when the team is reeling and you pull your starter? That you only want him when he plays well! I watched a game against Buffalo a few years ago where Tony Romo threw FIVE F*CKING interceptions! What did Wade do? He did what any stand-up coach does. He “danced with the one who brung him” and kept Romo in the game. You, sir, are no Wade Phillips! Simply put, Mr. Fisher, you are a DUMBASS!
Vince Young – three turnovers! Really! Did you eat a bucket of fried chicken before the game and have greasy hands? Is that the reason you couldn’t hold the ball?! Less than a week after stating that you do not want Reggie Bush’s tainted Heisman you pull out this kind of performance! Without a doubt, Vince looked awful! I mean … he looked like warmed over caca out there. But, he still didn’t deserve to be pulled.
Kerry Collins stepped in and replaced Vince. Brilliant idea, Jeffrey! Now we are going to see some sparks! Kerry then threw a beautiful pass down the field … to a Steelers’ player! Good job, Kerry! Way to inspire the team! Wasn’t it this kind of inspired play in his 0-6 start last year that cost Mr. Collins his job? Here’s a suggestion, Jeffrey: before putting his old A** in, someone probably should have told Kerry that his team was wearing white! Also, when there are ten seconds left in the game and you don’t have any timeouts, Kerry, you do NOT throw a pass down the center of the f*cking field! The average price of an NFL ticket: $120. The value of Vince Young’s contract: $1 gazillion dollars! Losing your job to Kerry Collins again: priceless!
Football SWEET ASSES of the Week:
The New York Jets!
After watching the Jets WHUP some Patriot A**, I gotta give ‘em some love! Especially, since the Jets were the team to expose the Patriots and their cheating ways! Watching this game was like drinking a vintage red wine … so sweet, so satisfying! Another team that usually gives the ’72 Dolphins fits … eliminated from undefeated contention!
The Houston Texans!
They are making their second appearance here so the people of Texas can hold their heads high until someone wakes up the Cowboys and reminds them that it’s no longer the pre-season. The Texans overcame a 17-point deficit and kicked some Washington A**!
Football HALFASSES of the Week:
The Oakland Raiders vs. the St. Louis Rams
Someone had to win this game played by two loser teams. Oakland did. Who gives a f*ck?! They are still awful! This was like watching two retarded kids put together a jigsaw puzzle … painful!
