No Seriously … What The F*%k Are You Doing in the Restroom?!
Etiquette (aka Sh*t Your Mom Should Have Taught You):
How to Use the Restroom at Work – Part 2
If you’re in a stall, close the f*cking door! Really! WHY? No, seriously, WHY?! … You think you’re at home, sitting on the damned toilet with the door open reading the newspaper! You’re not at home, nasty A**!
This is Part 2 of a post from September 17th. If you are lost, please refer to Part 1.
Having worked in the private sector for many years, I have seen all manner of public restroom etiquette – or more accurately, the lack thereof! As a result, I have culled some rules to keep you A**HOLES safe from getting an old-fashioned ASS WHUPPING!
6. This is for the guys – it’s a stall, not the library! Stop taking the damned newspaper or magazine from the common area near the receptionist into the restroom to read while you take your morning, mid-morning, afternoon, late afternoon dump! Stop it! First of all, it should never, never, ever, ever, never, ever take you that long to take a dump. (It should take you about as long as it did to read that sentence.) If you can read more than the headline, then you need to run to the doctor because something is wrong, very wrong. Chances are your intestines are as clogged as pipes from the 50s … the 1850s! It’s no coincidence that so many male celebrities have died on the toilet!
Second of all, who the hell wants to read the paper or magazine after you’ve had it in the restroom … the men’s restroom of all places?! We know most of you don’t wash your hands! That’s right … your secret is out! We all know it because we have spies and they report all sorts of things that go on in the men’s restroom. That’s how they caught Senator Craig with his alleged “wide stance” and George Michaels doing whatever it is he does in there.
7. Wash your nasty ass hands! This goes for everyone but especially the guys. How many times have we watched a scene in a movie or on TV where a guy uses the urinal, in effect touching his penis with his hands (God only knows where that thing has been), and then walks out of the restroom without even so much as a sideways glance at the sink?! I caught a guy at a party I was throwing do just that. I stopped him and said, “I don’t want your dick hands in my chips so wash your nasty hands, A**HOLE!” He reluctantly complied. I watched him all night. He stayed away from the bowl of chips! I had my stapler on the ready, just in case.
8. If you’re in a stall, use the f*cking lock! If it’s broken, use your foot! How hard is it to secure yourself in that tiny space?! Sometimes it’s hard to know if someone is in the stall. And, no one wants to walk in on you taking care of business. It happened to me one day at work … I inadvertently walked in on a co-worker and saw everything … all of nature’s ugliness right there on display! There was nowhere to go and the only thing to do was mumble an apology and run out of the restroom, completely forgetting why I had entered in the first place. After that, our interactions were quite awkward and it was never, ever spoken of! As a matter of fact, I just ignored this person completely.
9. If you’re in a stall, close the f*cking door! Really! WHY? No, seriously, WHY?! I can’t believe I have to tell you this! You know who you are! You think you’re at home, sitting on the damned toilet with the door open reading the newspaper! You’re not at home, nasty A**! It’s a public restroom! I can’t even wrap my mind around why someone does this at work or in any public place. If you’re claustrophobic, pee outside or use the handicap stall, preferably the latter!
10. Peeping Tom and Tina! As if #9 weren’t bad enough, there are the perverts to contend with. There are ways to check to see if a stall is occupied and then there are A**HOLE ways, like peeping through the cracks and creeping out your co-workers. I worked at a place where a co-worker, who shall remain nameless, had the very bad habit (one of many) of peeping through the cracks to see if anyone was in the stall. I don’t want to see you looking at me looking at you while I pee! This person once stood outside another co-worker’s stall until they made eye contact. WTF?! Are you crazy?! Bend at the waste and look for feet, DUMBASS! If I see the whites of your eye, I am sticking a pencil in it!
11. It’s YOUR cycle and I’ll cry if I want to! Ladies … ladies … no one else needs to know it’s that time of the month for you. No, boo, we don’t. But, chances are we already do because you’ve eaten every piece of chocolate in the office, you’re wearing your “fat pants” and you’re a total bitch (more so than usual). And, when another woman goes into a stall after you, she shouldn’t have to become a blood splatter expert to solve the crime that is you not knowing how to clean up after yourself, you dirty biatche! Use that little metal trashcan built into the stall wall and dispose of your junk properly! Oh, and for the real f&cktards, your tampons belong in the toilet! I’m not saying anymore about that. I shouldn’t have to! Sorry fellas … the biatches have to be educated!
12. Guys, stop shaking urine off your penis and sticking it back in your dirty drawers. It’s gross, plain and simple. If women hovered over the toilet, shook their asses and just walked out of the stall (presumably after they’d pulled their panties and pants back up, hopefully in that order), you’d think they were the nastiest creatures in the world. You would never want to go down on one … well, you’d find a way. But, you shake piss off your dick and don’t understand why a woman doesn’t want to put a piss-smelling, urine-tasting dick in her mouth. (Yeah, I said it! We’re all adults and people give and receive BJs! The only A**HOLE who will have a problem with this is the one not getting any!) BTW, for my gays, guys don’t want to do it either! Use a stall, pee standing or sitting (I don’t care which) and then wipe the piss off your little dick, A**HOLE! BTW, try a little grooming down there! If women have to get a Brazilian, the least you can do is trim that forest!
If you follow at least a few of these rules, I am sure your workplace restroom (and maybe even the bathroom in your home) will be the sanctuary we all need when taking a break from a grueling day … instead of the place where you need a hazmat suit just to wash your hands!
Check out this flowchart on Huffington Post that tells you where it’s okay to pee! In case you’re wondering, peeing on the seat for your co-workers to find is NOT on this chart! If you want to mark your territory, become a f&cking dog in your next life!
I used the free templates provided by Word Press at WordPress.org. Good luck!