Spider-Man the Musical: Death on Broadway

Posted by Main Ass on December 21, 2010 in Entertainment/Sports |

For the first time in history, it’ll be more dangerous to go to a Broadway show than it is to walk the streets of the South Bronx at night wearing gold fronts!

It’s the holidays and I am bored with football. So, among other pursuits, I’ve been watching the progress (or lack thereof) of the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark with the same morbid fascination I usually reserve for cock fights. The idea to bring yet another bloated Hollywood film to the Great White Way as a musical boggles the mind until you explain to the mind that the only thing that matters on Broadway and in Hollywood is money and quality art can go f*ck itself!

The idea of a Spider-Man musical is as preposterous as the previous Hollywood marriage to Broadway, Shrek The Musical. However, the creators of this craptastic show won’t be outdone by a fat, green ogre! This doomed production is landing in your lap (literally) at a staggering cost of $65 million, or more than twice Shrek’s ridiculous budget of $25 million.

The reasons for the otherworldly budget include the 27 aerial stunts to be performed during every show! Are they f*cking stupid?! These f*cktards plan to subject a Broadway audience with an average age of 87 (they’re the only ones who can afford the tickets) to dangerous aerial stunts and expect everything to go on without a hitch! I have a greater chance of sprouting angel’s wings from my ass!

An article about the show chronicles the latest accident in which an actor fell 30 feet! The reason? Supposedly, actors are responsible for hooking up their own harnesses for dangerous aerial stunts and this guy must have made a mistake. Shocking! I’m sure the insurance agent who wrote the coverage for this monstrosity read that article and spit her morning coffee into the face of her unsuspecting child who was busy playing with a Spider-Man toy sent over from director Julie Taymor!

It’s a $65 million show with dangerous aerial stunts and the ACTORS are responsible for securing themselves into a harness! In Hollywood, one of the 743 unions wouldn’t let an actor tie his own shoes, let alone be responsible for something as complicated (for an actor) as a harness! Also, Hollywood productions with stunts cannot go for an entire production of say 60 days without having an accident. This show must run six days a week for SEVERAL YEARS to recoup its money and it’s supposed to do that without a SINGLE miscue during one of its 27 death-defying aerial stunts!! Come on now!

Clearly, this show needs to be renamed with a quickness – Spider-Man: Turn on the Damned Lights So I Can See What The F*ck I’m Doing Before I Fall To My Death!

A month ago, Ms. Taymor was quoted as saying that she wants to “create a spectacle like nothing we’ve ever seen on Broadway before.” From the looks of things, she’s going to succeed, just not in the way she planned. More people will die seeing and acting in this musical during its very limited run than die from being “accidentally” shot by New York City police each year. For the first time in history, it’ll be more dangerous to go to a Broadway show than it is to walk the streets of the South Bronx at night wearing gold fronts!

I am predicting death and serious injury on Broadway during this show’s limited run for a few reasons:

First, they haven’t had a run-through without any problems with the aerial stunts or without someone being injured. One cast member received a concussion when she was hit in the head with a rope. She’d likely fare better playing quarterback in Minnesota. A stunt double broke both his wrists when he fell during an aerial stunt. And, in the latest incident, yet another actor was injured when he fell 30 feet and landed in the orchestra pit.

Second, at least two of the 27 aerial stunts take place over the audience. OVER THE AUDIENCE! A kid with a Magic 8 Ball can predict something will go horribly wrong here! The law of averages suggests that at some point an actor is going to fall to his death and/or kill an aging audience member when one of these dumbass aerial stunts goes awry.

The conclusion: this show is seriously f*cked! I can’t wait to see how it ends!

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