Smells Like Teen Spirit and Then Some!

Posted by admin on January 27, 2011 in Entertainment/Sports |

According to the story … Lady Gaga is developing a new fragrance and she wants it to smell like … wait for it … wait for it … blood and semen.

Some things make the news and you wonder if reporters have pulled the text from The Onion or an episode of The Simpsons. The story is so unbelievable it simply couldn’t have come from a credible news source, like the AP Wire or Fox News.

The story about Lady Gaga’s new fragrance is one such instance. I hope and I pray this is from The Onion. (Please please please!) But if it’s not, if this story is real, I hope our planet is tilting more on its axis so dumbass humans like Ms. Gaga can go the way of the dinosaur.

According to the story, which was reported on The Huffington Post and other news outlets, Lady Gaga is developing a new fragrance and she wants it to smell like … wait for it … wait for it … blood and semen. Yes! Blood and and f*cking semen! What the f*ck?! (This is too crazy for the usual “WTF” acronym! This crazy sh*t made me spell!)

First off, what the HELL does that smell like?! And, whatever it smells like, why would any living person want a scent emanating from her body that’s best left to the character from the opening scene of Law and Order: SVU?

Why anyone would want to purposely smell like blood and semen is a mystery to me. If it happens by accident, I can look past that. I mean, who hasn’t had a crazy night or three fueled by too much alcohol, gotten into a fight with some angry midgets and ended up smelling like vomit and other bodily fluids?! If this hasn’t happened to you, you ain’t living!

But, alas, I’m not famous so I don’t get the need to spend good money to smell like a hooker’s crotch. I am an ordinary, working stiff who thinks that smelling like a rape/murder crime scene isn’t a good way to go if you don’t want to end up in prison … where you’ll likely end up smelling like a rape/murder crime scene every damned day.

Anyone wearing this fragrance should expect conversations like this:

Person with some damned sense: Honey, what is that smell?

Dumbass Poser: It’s Lady Gaga’s new scent, Monster’s Load. Like it?

Person with some damned sense: Not really. It makes you smell like dried up giz and [sniff sniff] are you on your period? I smell blood. You smell like giz and blood! What the fuck is wrong with you?! You can’t wear that to dinner with my parents!

Notwithstanding the interesting questions you’ll have to field from your significant other (soon to be your ex), your friends and strangers, this scent will undoubtedly limit where you can go if you choose to wear it every day. No seriously, where the f*ck can you go smelling like blood and giz?! Really! WHERE?

You simply cannot stroll into the workplace smelling like some CSI victim! No one will want you hovering over their cubicle talking about your crazy weekend with your cat Mr. Bubbles or near the water cooler discussing the latest episode of “Outsourced” (who watches this stupid show?!). You won’t be invited to anymore office birthday parties because no one (except that creepy guy in the copy room) wants to smell blood and giz while trying to eat Susan’s famous lemon cake.

So, now that we know where you cannot go, here are some activities you should refrain from if you ever plan to wear this fragrance: 1) camping in the wilderness (or in your backyard if you live in The Valley or any valley); 2) visiting the lion, tiger, bear, monkey, etc. enclosure at the zoo; 3) going on anything resembling a safari; 4) visiting the local jail for any reason; and 5) sitting anywhere near the stage at Siegfried and Roy’s show in Vegas. If you wear this scent at any time for any reason, you’re assuming the risk of being mauled and/or raped by an animal (or the creepy guy in the copy room). Take your pick. At some point, it’s all the same.

Being the entrepreneurial type, I simply cannot sit idly by and let Lady Gaga get rich off this sh*t. So, if you plan to buy Lady Gaga’s gag-inducing scent, then check out my new designer fragrance – FEÇAL! It’s pronounced like it’s French because that makes it more exotic and worthy of a ridiculous price equal to that of a German car payment.

In keeping with Lady Gaga’s odorous idea, my fragrance will be made from the piss and sh*t of nearly extinct animals … or the contents of dirty diapers and toilets anywhere near my home, whichever is easiest to find. This fragrance will give new meaning to Eau du Toilette, no doubt causing people to shriek “EEW DA TOILET!!!” when you walk into a room wearing it. Don’t mind them. They’re just jealous that they can’t afford to smell rich and famous.

Plus, who doesn’t want to smell like a used toilet?! Since Lady Gaga clearly thinks someone wants to smell like blood and semen, surely I can find at least one dumbass who wants to smell like piss and sh*t … one dumbass who’s not homeless and can afford to BUY this classic scent!

My fragrance along with Lady Gaga’s will be all the rage! Now, if you want to CAUSE lots of rage, lose your job and friends and be attacked by every animal and insect in your vicinity, simply combine the two fragrances and let the magic happen!

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