Smells Like Teen Spirit and Then Some!

Posted by admin on January 27, 2011 in Entertainment/Sports

According to the story … Lady Gaga is developing a new fragrance and she wants it to smell like … wait for it … wait for it … blood and semen.

Some things make the news and you wonder if reporters have pulled the text from The Onion or an episode of The Simpsons. The story is so unbelievable it simply couldn’t have come from a credible news source, like the AP Wire or Fox News.

The story about Lady Gaga’s new fragrance is one such instance. I hope and I pray this is from The Onion. (Please please please!) But if it’s not, if this story is real, I hope our planet is tilting more on its axis so dumbass humans like Ms. Gaga can go the way of the dinosaur.

According to the story, which was reported on The Huffington Post and other news outlets, Lady Gaga is developing a new fragrance and she wants it to smell like … wait for it … wait for it … blood and semen. Yes! Blood and and f*cking semen! What the f*ck?! (This is too crazy for the usual “WTF” acronym! This crazy sh*t made me spell!)

First off, what the HELL does that smell like?! And, whatever it smells like, why would any living person want a scent emanating from her body that’s best left to the character from the opening scene of Law and Order: SVU?

Why anyone would want to purposely smell like blood and semen is a mystery to me. If it happens by accident, I can look past that. I mean, who hasn’t had a crazy night or three fueled by too much alcohol, gotten into a fight with some angry midgets and ended up smelling like vomit and other bodily fluids?! If this hasn’t happened to you, you ain’t living!

But, alas, I’m not famous so I don’t get the need to spend good money to smell like a hooker’s crotch. I am an ordinary, working stiff who thinks that smelling like a rape/murder crime scene isn’t a good way to go if you don’t want to end up in prison … where you’ll likely end up smelling like a rape/murder crime scene every damned day.

Anyone wearing this fragrance should expect conversations like this:

Person with some damned sense: Honey, what is that smell?

Dumbass Poser: It’s Lady Gaga’s new scent, Monster’s Load. Like it?

Person with some damned sense: Not really. It makes you smell like dried up giz and [sniff sniff] are you on your period? I smell blood. You smell like giz and blood! What the fuck is wrong with you?! You can’t wear that to dinner with my parents!

Notwithstanding the interesting questions you’ll have to field from your significant other (soon to be your ex), your friends and strangers, this scent will undoubtedly limit where you can go if you choose to wear it every day. No seriously, where the f*ck can you go smelling like blood and giz?! Really! WHERE?

You simply cannot stroll into the workplace smelling like some CSI victim! No one will want you hovering over their cubicle talking about your crazy weekend with your cat Mr. Bubbles or near the water cooler discussing the latest episode of “Outsourced” (who watches this stupid show?!). You won’t be invited to anymore office birthday parties because no one (except that creepy guy in the copy room) wants to smell blood and giz while trying to eat Susan’s famous lemon cake.

So, now that we know where you cannot go, here are some activities you should refrain from if you ever plan to wear this fragrance: 1) camping in the wilderness (or in your backyard if you live in The Valley or any valley); 2) visiting the lion, tiger, bear, monkey, etc. enclosure at the zoo; 3) going on anything resembling a safari; 4) visiting the local jail for any reason; and 5) sitting anywhere near the stage at Siegfried and Roy’s show in Vegas. If you wear this scent at any time for any reason, you’re assuming the risk of being mauled and/or raped by an animal (or the creepy guy in the copy room). Take your pick. At some point, it’s all the same.

Being the entrepreneurial type, I simply cannot sit idly by and let Lady Gaga get rich off this sh*t. So, if you plan to buy Lady Gaga’s gag-inducing scent, then check out my new designer fragrance – FEÇAL! It’s pronounced like it’s French because that makes it more exotic and worthy of a ridiculous price equal to that of a German car payment.

In keeping with Lady Gaga’s odorous idea, my fragrance will be made from the piss and sh*t of nearly extinct animals … or the contents of dirty diapers and toilets anywhere near my home, whichever is easiest to find. This fragrance will give new meaning to Eau du Toilette, no doubt causing people to shriek “EEW DA TOILET!!!” when you walk into a room wearing it. Don’t mind them. They’re just jealous that they can’t afford to smell rich and famous.

Plus, who doesn’t want to smell like a used toilet?! Since Lady Gaga clearly thinks someone wants to smell like blood and semen, surely I can find at least one dumbass who wants to smell like piss and sh*t … one dumbass who’s not homeless and can afford to BUY this classic scent!

My fragrance along with Lady Gaga’s will be all the rage! Now, if you want to CAUSE lots of rage, lose your job and friends and be attacked by every animal and insect in your vicinity, simply combine the two fragrances and let the magic happen!

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Spider-Man the Musical: Death on Broadway

Posted by Main Ass on December 21, 2010 in Entertainment/Sports

For the first time in history, it’ll be more dangerous to go to a Broadway show than it is to walk the streets of the South Bronx at night wearing gold fronts!

It’s the holidays and I am bored with football. So, among other pursuits, I’ve been watching the progress (or lack thereof) of the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark with the same morbid fascination I usually reserve for cock fights. The idea to bring yet another bloated Hollywood film to the Great White Way as a musical boggles the mind until you explain to the mind that the only thing that matters on Broadway and in Hollywood is money and quality art can go f*ck itself!

The idea of a Spider-Man musical is as preposterous as the previous Hollywood marriage to Broadway, Shrek The Musical. However, the creators of this craptastic show won’t be outdone by a fat, green ogre! This doomed production is landing in your lap (literally) at a staggering cost of $65 million, or more than twice Shrek’s ridiculous budget of $25 million.

The reasons for the otherworldly budget include the 27 aerial stunts to be performed during every show! Are they f*cking stupid?! These f*cktards plan to subject a Broadway audience with an average age of 87 (they’re the only ones who can afford the tickets) to dangerous aerial stunts and expect everything to go on without a hitch! I have a greater chance of sprouting angel’s wings from my ass!

An article about the show chronicles the latest accident in which an actor fell 30 feet! The reason? Supposedly, actors are responsible for hooking up their own harnesses for dangerous aerial stunts and this guy must have made a mistake. Shocking! I’m sure the insurance agent who wrote the coverage for this monstrosity read that article and spit her morning coffee into the face of her unsuspecting child who was busy playing with a Spider-Man toy sent over from director Julie Taymor!

It’s a $65 million show with dangerous aerial stunts and the ACTORS are responsible for securing themselves into a harness! In Hollywood, one of the 743 unions wouldn’t let an actor tie his own shoes, let alone be responsible for something as complicated (for an actor) as a harness! Also, Hollywood productions with stunts cannot go for an entire production of say 60 days without having an accident. This show must run six days a week for SEVERAL YEARS to recoup its money and it’s supposed to do that without a SINGLE miscue during one of its 27 death-defying aerial stunts!! Come on now!

Clearly, this show needs to be renamed with a quickness – Spider-Man: Turn on the Damned Lights So I Can See What The F*ck I’m Doing Before I Fall To My Death!

A month ago, Ms. Taymor was quoted as saying that she wants to “create a spectacle like nothing we’ve ever seen on Broadway before.” From the looks of things, she’s going to succeed, just not in the way she planned. More people will die seeing and acting in this musical during its very limited run than die from being “accidentally” shot by New York City police each year. For the first time in history, it’ll be more dangerous to go to a Broadway show than it is to walk the streets of the South Bronx at night wearing gold fronts!

I am predicting death and serious injury on Broadway during this show’s limited run for a few reasons:

First, they haven’t had a run-through without any problems with the aerial stunts or without someone being injured. One cast member received a concussion when she was hit in the head with a rope. She’d likely fare better playing quarterback in Minnesota. A stunt double broke both his wrists when he fell during an aerial stunt. And, in the latest incident, yet another actor was injured when he fell 30 feet and landed in the orchestra pit.

Second, at least two of the 27 aerial stunts take place over the audience. OVER THE AUDIENCE! A kid with a Magic 8 Ball can predict something will go horribly wrong here! The law of averages suggests that at some point an actor is going to fall to his death and/or kill an aging audience member when one of these dumbass aerial stunts goes awry.

The conclusion: this show is seriously f*cked! I can’t wait to see how it ends!

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“Happy Holidays” … An Insidious Threat to Jesus Christ!

Posted by Main Ass on December 9, 2010 in Politics/Society

The War on Christmas

Ahh … the holidays are here and it’s time to celebrate the birth of Christ. Well, not exactly! It seems that it’s actually time to celebrate hatred, promulgated by some interesting Christians, all in the name of Christ.

Wow! I didn’t know J.C. rolled like that! I mean seriously … what would Jesus do if someone wished him “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas?” Would He kick some ass to high Heavan or what?! According to a certain tribe of demented Christians, that’s exactly what they need to do until He returns to dole out His own form of Holy justice!

Fox recently pointed out that we are in the midst of a war on Christmas and Christians. Really? Leave it to Fox to find another war on Christians. Apparently, if you look really hard, they are everywhere! Thankfully, we have Jon Stewart and others to point out the hypocrisy of this stance as we celebrate the birth of Jesus.

And, now I am adding my $1 to the fray! I cannot help but comment on the irony of taking a stand for CHRISTmas (the celebration of the birth of Christ) while denigrating those who choose to be compassionate by wishing others around them “Happy Holidays,” regardless of their religious affiliation. See, the Christ I know and grew up reading about would embrace the modern, all-inclusive “Happy Holidays.” (Please note that “Happy Holidays” is a reference to the High Holy Days and still has roots in Judeo-Christian beliefs. So, for those using it as a greeting, you are still invoking Christ, just somewhat indirectly.)

Christ did not discriminate against people of other religions and would likely be very disturbed that people proclaiming to worship Him (those so-called Christians we know and love) are doing so in His name, particularly on the supposed day of His birth. Also, just to be clear, Christ was NOT even a Christian! Funny that some of His believers always seem to conveniently forget that the first Christian was a JEW. So, in that vein, as you go around celebrating the birth of Christ remember that one of main tenets preached by Jesus was love, respect and compassion for your fellow man, woman and child, be they Jew or gentile, Christian or atheist, Muslim or Buddhist.

And, while we’re on the topic, let’s talk about the much-maligned “Holiday Tree.” I don’t recall anything in the Bible about there being a Christmas tree when Christ was born. Christmas trees actually have their origins as part of a pagan ritual and thus have nothing to do with Christ or His birth. Also, if you are really celebrating the birth of Christ and the arrival of the Three Wise Men bearing gifts, you’ll need to move your celebration of exchanging gifts and such from December 25th (the start of the Winter Solstice – another pagan ritual) to around January 6th (aka Three Kings’ Day) since that’s when the Wise Men found the baby Jesus and His parents in a manger.

Just to recap … Saying “Happy Holidays” does not in any way detract from you celebrating the birth of Christ or from practicing Christianity. Those who suggest otherwise likely have no clue about Christ’s real message of inclusion and love. Wishing someone “Happy Holidays” demonstrates that you actually understand the message Christ was preaching AFTER He was born. And, isn’t compassion and love for ALL people truly what Christ and Christmas should be about, not what we call one day out of the year or some ornamented bush?

Happy Holidays to all! And to all a good night!

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When The Sun Hits Your Eye Like A Big Burning Pie … Pay Up!

Posted by Main Ass on December 2, 2010 in Man vs. Nature, What The F*%k?!

And, if the sun gets in your eyes when you are driving and you run over a bunch of elderly people in a crosswalk, just blame Duran and tell those people to sue her! It’s her property that’s causing these f&cking problems and she needs to take responsibility for that.

Growing up, there were so many free things we took for granted, like water, air, light, etc. Such quaint times those were! But, just when you thought it was safe to go outside, turns out that’s going to cost you too! A press release recently stated that NASA has a big announcement to make this morning. However, ahead of NASA’s announcement, we discovered that Angeles Duran became the lawful owner of the SUN. That’s right! That really big, hot thing in the sky that sits as the center of our solar system! So, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that NASA now has some big announcement to make.

I believe officials at NASA are going to announce that they will be collecting payments for our use of the sun and delivering them to Duran. I also think NASA will announce that they are planning trips to Duran’s place (the sun) to check it out and keep an eye on it for her, essentially becoming a management company making sure we lowly renters pay our money on time and do not trash the place. She can’t have someone putting their to’-up-from-the-flo’-up pleather sofa out on the sun’s porch, making it look all run down and ghetto!

My favorite quote from this whole thing has to be Duran’s assertion that she’s not stupid and she knows the law … while explaining how she now owns the f*cking sun!!!! It’s the sun … not some cottage in Nantucket, you DUMBASS! Yes, you are STUPID and no, you do NOT know the LAW! You know CRAZY … to be certain! But, clearly the law is a mystery to you!

On the bright side (pun intended), if you discover that you have skin cancer caused by Duran’s property, you can sue her. If the sun causes your plants to die or any other problems, you can blame Duran and take her to court. The next time I have to buy some damned sunglasses, I am sending her the bill! And, if the sun gets in your eyes when you are driving and you run over a bunch of elderly people in a crosswalk, just blame Duran and tell those people to sue her! It’s her property that’s causing these f*cking problems and she needs to take responsibility for that.

If I had a dog that bit you, then I’d have to pay your medical bills. What’s the difference here … other than the fact that I could actually own a DOG?! BTW, Ms. Duran, I have homeowner’s insurance on my house. I’d be happy to send you the name and number of my agent who will recommend a very reasonably priced policy for your new property! Also, I recently registered as the official taxing agency for the sun using the same notary and same flawed logic. Your tax bill of $75,000,000,000 is due no later than April 15, 2011. With ownership comes great responsibility!

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Week Ten of Football – What A Difference A Week Makes!

Posted by Main Ass on November 16, 2010 in Entertainment/Sports

Football A**HOLES of the Week:

I think it’s really great that the NFL supports people with disabilities. It’s laudable … it’s the right thing to do. However, giving the position of quarterback to a blind man may be taking things too far! Leave that to the kickers!

The Minnesota Vikings

A fumble and three interceptions … is Brett Favre on the other team’s payroll! WTF?! The Vikings have lost eight straight road games! It’s time for Minnesota to realize the dumb experiment to bring in Father Time with hopes to ride him to the Super Bowl should be abandoned … for something more realistic like building a man out of mechanical parts. Vikings, it’s time to put Favre out to pasture where he belongs, bring in your young quarterback and start to rebuild your franchise. The Cowboys made a midseason change which all the pundits decried and it may well work to re-energize that bunch of dead weight. It’s time for Minnesota to do the same!

Their season is lost and largely because of Favre digging the team into holes with turnovers (16 interceptions so far this season!) that even the best defense cannot get them out of. The team mortgaged their future on Favre and they, like in most of America, are in foreclosure! They built everything around a 41 year-old quarterback whose best days were behind him more than five years ago. Their decisions this season have me shaking my head, especially the decision to get Randy Moss (giving up draft picks in the process) and then get rid of him. This team is in free fall and no one has the balls to pull the rip cord!

The Cincinnati Bengals’ Carson Palmer

I think it’s really great that the NFL supports people with disabilities. It’s laudable … it’s the right thing to do. However, giving the position of quarterback to a blind man may be taking things too far! Leave that to the kickers! Carson Palmer is the league’s first legally blind quarterback. And, while, he does well given his disability and the accuracy his position demands, naturally he is going to have bad games, like this week. But, the Bengals, fully behind the NFL policy to retain disabled players, continue to let Palmer play at this position.

The Bengals have lost six straight games and … [Someone on my staff just handed me a note. “Carson Palmer is NOT blind.”] Seriously?! He’s not blind! Are you sure? Because if he is NOT blind but he keeps throwing interceptions week in and week out and greatly overthrowing receivers (I think one pass was thrown to a cheerleader) then he is just a big DUMBASS!

Palmer has at his disposal two of the best wide receivers in the game, Chad Johnson (f*ck that Ochocinco sh&t!) and Terrell Owens! These guys could grab a snitch one-handed at Hogwarts without a flying broomstick! The fact that Palmer routinely throws balls that they can’t catch demonstrates just how bad HE is! I could launch a pass from my rooftop right now and in about ten seconds, Owens would haul it in, run to the nearest end zone and knock on my door to return the ball! Touchdown!

In this week’s game against Indianapolis (a team against which you must be perfect to come close to winning), Palmer threw THREE interceptions! Is he competing with Brett Favre for most interceptions in a season? If so, someone should tell him it’s not a distinction he wants! But, everything was not Palmer’s fault to be sure. On one interception, Owens appeared to just give up on the run and the ball went right into the hands of a Colts’ player. When the team was successful in an on-sides kick, on the very next play receiver Jermaine Gresham, who should have gone down when he caught the ball, had the ball taken away by the Colts for yet another turnover … this one costing them the game.

This Bengals’ defense held Peyton Manning to less than 200 yards passing and no touchdowns! With numbers like these, this should have been a Bengals’ victory. Instead, the offense did everything in their power to give the Colts the victory and they succeeded by turning the ball over FIVE times which led to 17 points for the Colts! The Bengals look just like the team I remember as a youngster – a bunch of bad players making stupid plays in uniforms better suited for a Tony The Tiger Contest in West Hollywood!

The Washington Redskins

The Redskins looked awful on Monday night, especially during the first quarter. On the very first play, the Eagles exposed the defense with an 88-yard touchdown pass from Michael Vick. After that, I knew it would be a very long night for Redskins’ fans. The defense looked like they were only playing five players because that’s how bad the coverage was on the Eagles’ receivers. Vick had his way with them like nothing I’ve seen outside a bad porn film!

The Redskins receivers were dropping passes like this was a game of hot potato! The way the defense was tackling, you would have thought the Eagles’ players were infected with some sort of fast-acting flesh-eating disease. They simply did not touch them! The game finally started to turn around in the second quarter after the Redskins realized if they didn’t wake up they would be compared to Dallas’ horrid performance just a week ago.

The offensive scheme that the Redskins are using simply does not work for their personnel. If you are going to sign a guy to a five-year contract, then the offense should be designed around him, not the other way around. Donovan should not have to learn the bullshit Kyle Shanahan is drawing up! It should be drawn up specifically for him. The defensive schemes are just as bad. Mike Shanahan came on board and implemented a new defense. So far this season, it’s not working and was woefully lacking on Monday night. Vick’s first incomplete pass came with 12 minutes left in the second quarter, on the first series the Eagles did NOT score a touchdown!

Prior to the game starting, it was announced that Donovan McNabb had signed a contract extension. So, we know that McNabb and Mike Shanahan will be with the Redskins for at least the next three years. This leads to the question, what is the problem in Washington? I would have to say that a huge part of the blame lies with Kyle , Mike’s son and the offensive coordinator for the team. During the first four series on offense, the Redskins went three and out, amassing a paltry 23 yards! Nothing was working! Well, I really can’t say “nothing.” The same three plays that Kyle kept dialing up were not working! This guy has the imagination of a person in a coma!

The other problem, the Redskins just do not have any elite players! They can extend McNabb’s contract into the 22nd Century and it won’t matter if they don’t get better players! McNabb is a Hall of Fame quarterback but he needs help! Last year this team only won four games, as many as they have won so far this year. It’s not likely that they will end the season with only four wins, but they are not serious contenders in the NFC East and won’t be for several seasons!

Football SWEET ASSES of the Week:

Just last week under Wade Phillips, on both sides of the ball the Cowboys looked like zombies on the field trolling for brains. They were slow-moving and dimwitted. This week, they came out like Ninjas!

The Dallas Cowboys

Just last week under Wade Phillips, on both sides of the ball the Cowboys looked like zombies on the field trolling for brains. They were slow-moving and dimwitted. This week, they came out like Ninjas! And, no one, especially not the Giants, saw the demise coming. With the lights going out in the Giants’ new stadium, it was the perfect scene for the slaughter brought on by the Cowboys. By the end of the game, it looked like the ending of a horror film with the Cowboys left standing and the bodies of the Giants strewn all over their home field!

The Cowboys played like they were a professional football team with their pride on the line. They played inspired football! And, without Wade in charge of the defense, those players made plays, intercepting Eli Manning twice, with rookie Bryan McCann running one back for a touchdown! Just a week before, this same defensive unit had as much movement as a snail in salt!

I am not ready to proclaim that the ills plaguing the Cowboys are gone. They are not contenders for anything beyond the first round draft pick. They won one game that they absolutely had to win for their new head coach and to keep Jerry Jones’ surgically-enhanced face from exploding. But, with that said, things looked 1000% better. The Cowboys beat a Giants’ team all the pundits were ready to crown the best team in the NFC (as if the Eagles and Falcons don’t even exist) even with their obvious problems still on defense. And, the Cowboys beat the Giants handily. It was no fluke as both the offense and defense played well. The game was over before the end of the third quarter!

With the offensive line finally providing some protection, John Kitna was able to make some incredible throws to Dez Bryant, Roy Williams and Miles Austin. His numbers weren’t very impressive but they were good enough – 13 completions for 327 yards, averaging over 25 yards per completion, and three touchdowns! And, finally, the running backs actually did some … RUNNING! Imagine that! Felix Jones and Marion Barber ran for a combined 98 yards, nothing to blow your socks off but certainly better than what they have done in previous weeks.

Now, the Cowboys still need to work on things. Kitna had too many incomplete passes and the kicking game desperately needs some work, meaning they need to get someone who can KICK! Also, they didn’t score a single point in the fourth quarter. Had they been able to do that, they would have demoralized the Giants completely instead of leaving them with a little hope toward the end of the game!

The Philadelphia Eagles’ Michael Vick

Michael Vick should play the next game wearing red and blue tights with a big “S” on his chest! The only thing he didn’t do in this game was fly and stop bullets! But, he did stop the Washington Redskins!

With a little more than five minutes left in the first quarter, he had THREE touchdowns and by halftime he had a total of FIVE! The first play of the game, an 88-yard touchdown to DeSean Jackson, was a perfectly executed play, starting with the beautiful pass and ending with the run after the catch by Jackson. For yet another game, Michael Vick put on a clinic. This week, the victims were the Redskins. Vick’s first incomplete pass came with just five minutes left in the second quarter!

This was an incredible game to watch as Vick was clearly having a good time running all over the field, extending plays with his legs, running and picking up yards when he could and making passes that demonstrated he is still a very talented quarterback! As a matter of fact, he may be the MOST TALENTED quarterback in the league right now. Tom Brady, you can grow your hair down to your ass, yell at every player on the field and still won’t match what Vick did on Monday night! On an unrelated note, Tom, cut your hair and shave! At the post-game press conference, you looked like a homeless guy in a bad suit you got at Goodwill!

Even though the game was pretty much decided by the middle of the second quarter, I didn’t want to turn away from the game solely because of Vick’s play. At one point, as Vick scrambled and threw for another touchdown (I think it was number 17), he had over seven seconds to find a receiver with absolutely no pressure by a single Redskin! That’s what a good offensive line can do for you!

Next week, the Eagles and Vick will face Eli and the Giants. This game will lay to rest the best team in the NFC. Given how the two quarterbacks played this week, I think the Eagles will fly away with it!

The Denver Broncos

The Broncos put up 49 points against a Kansas City Chiefs team that seems to be on the decline. The Broncos stopped a four-game losing streak by playing strong, smart football. Gone were the dumb mistakes, turnovers and penalties. Orton threw for four touchdowns and Tim Tebow got two off a run and a pass! It remains to be seen whether the Broncos will make the playoffs. Given how the season has progressed thus far, anything could happen if they finish off the season half as strong as they played in this game!

Football HALF ASSES of the Week:

The Buffalo Bills

The Bills entered this week as the only winless team in the league. They were playing the Detroit Lions at home so it was ordained that they would finally get their first win since the Lions have now lost 25 straight games on the road. The Lions are pretty much the whipping boy for every struggling team in the NFL. And, they did not disappoint the Bills! It was no blowout but it was a victory for the Bills who needed to put something in the “W” column before Roger Goodell shipped them off to Europe to play in whatever league the NFL is setting up there. The Bills got a great effort from Fred Jackson for his fifth career 100-yard game, rushing for 133 yards on 25 carries and a total of two touchdowns (one on a reception and one on a run)!

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