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When A Name Tells You All You Need To Know

Posted by Main Ass on November 11, 2010 in Man vs. Nature, What's In A Name

Or Simply Put: It’s Called a KILLER WHALE, DUMBASS!

He killed this man and then wore him on his back like a shawl. Damn! That’s some Silence of the Lambs sh&t! “It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets eaten alive again!” What the f*ck?!

Part 1 of this post introduced Tilikum, the Killer Whale, who killed a trainer at SeaWorld in February 2010. This is Part 2 in the series called When Wild Animals Kill Stupid People!

Let’s begin with the obvious. If the animal has “killer” as part of its name, you can reasonably assume that said animal can KILL you! Of course, it leads one to ask: who named the animal? My guess, probably the best friend of the person who discovered it. Why him? Because while the guy who discovered the whale was in the water, trying to study it, his friend was watching from the safety of the shore. When that guy started to be thrown around the ocean like a human-sized Raggedy Andy doll, the friend scratched out “cuddly whale” on his note pad and replaced it with “KILLER WHALE.” Thus, the legend was born!

Killer whales rule the oceans. Why? Because they are f*cking gangsters! Did you see the way that killer whale swam around the tank as the SeaWorld trainer’s body lay a few feet away? He wasn’t cowering in a corner of the tank, remorseful about his actions, afraid of his fate. NO! He was proudly swimming around as if to say “Put another bitch in here and let her ride on my nose and see what the f*ck happens! I dare you!” As well he should! He’s a KILLER WHALE! If nothing else, he has a reputation to protect.

I also bet he got sick of being teased by the dolphins at SeaWorld. They were like “You ain’t bad … you ain’t nothing!” So, he put on the whale equivalent of his red leather jacket, knocked out some car windows, grabbed his crotch and killed a white girl! “Who’s bad?”

The people at SeaWorld KNEW Tilikum was a gangster … they KNEW he was a killer. Not only was it in his name, he had actually KILLED twice before! I think Tilikum is an underwater hit man. How else can you explain these seemingly random acts of violence?! After his first kill (probably some initiation thing the whale gangs have), he was spirited out of that place under the cover of darkness and brought to San Diego where he has continued his wave of terror.

The second person he killed allegedly got into his enclosure at night. That’s a great idea! (Something tells me alcohol was involved.) This brainiac was found floating on Tilikum’s back the next morning. That’s right! He killed this man and then wore him on his back like a shawl. Damn! That’s some Silence of the Lambs sh&t! “It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets eaten alive again!” What the f*ck?! That’s cold bloodied! And, it sends a message. He didn’t eat him or try to hide his body or do anything a regular killer might do. No! He’s GANGSTER like that!

But, again, the SeaWorld employees were too stupid to heed the warning signs. When an animal kills twice before, we can safely say that the third person who gets offed is a f*cktard. You know you have to be some kind of special DUMBASS (or have some weird suicide wish) to get into a small ass tank with a six-ton mammal with teeth the size of sofa cushions that has tasted human flesh twice before! So, for those keeping score with their fantasy killer animal teams: TILIKUM, THE KILLER WHALE – 3; DUMBASS HUMANS – 0.

Let’s get back to the name issue for a second. Scientists (or their friends) gave us a big clue when they named the entire species KILLER WHALES. If it were a safe and timid animal, its name would reflect that. It would have been named the CUDDLY WHALE. See, there are whales (regular ones who don’t commit murder on the regular) and then there are KILLERS. They have been given a special designation so we know what the hell we are dealing with and can act accordingly! But, alas, clearly at least three people didn’t pay attention to the adjective preceding the noun and that was their fatal mistake.

Where I’m from, you were taught to pay attention to names. Growing up, there was a guy we’ll call CRAZY KEVIN who got his name not because he was the most intellectual guy in the ‘hood. No, he got his name because of the CRAZY sh&t he used to do. Everyone knew that if Kevin were playing cards, drinking whiskey and talking smack, something CRAZY was bound to follow, like Kevin running down the street naked, stabbing someone or cutting off his own finger to prove a point! And, if it was a full moon, he might do all three!

Because he was called Crazy Kevin (when you cut off your own appendages people tend to think you’re insane) as a child I was warned to leave him the f*ck alone. And that is exactly what I did! After ignoring my mom’s advice and playing with fire quite unsuccessfully (my eyebrows did grow back), I learned that she might be onto something. So, just as I stayed away from Crazy Kevin because his name warned me and everyone else what to expect, the SeaWorld trainer should have known to stay away from the KILLER whale!

After it has killed for a third time, what should happen to the whale? Should it be killed, sent back into the wild or should it be left the f*ck alone? I opt for the third choice! This whale shouldn’t be punished for doing what wild animals do – turning humans into chew toys as a reminder that we’re not in control of sh&t and some animals aren’t meant to be tamed. We have had enough examples by now but I fear there are more to come.

So, this trainer and countless others will have to go the way of people who have been attacked by wild animals doing what those animals do! These types of things will continue to happen as long as people harbor the misguided belief that they can tame nature. Sorry stud but nature always wins!

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Week Nine of Football – FINALLY!

Posted by Main Ass on November 9, 2010 in Entertainment/Sports

The defense has pretty much given up. I don’t even know why they bother to move around on plays because it makes no difference. They are about as effective as one square of toilet paper when you’ve got explosive diarrhea after eating bad chili. I have seen corpses with more life after rigor mortis!


Football A**HOLES of the Week:

The Dallas Cowboys

Finally! Jerry Jones pulled the trigger and fired Wade Phillips! It’s about f*cking time! Something needed to be done and fast. One down and one more to go because Garrett is dead weight as well. Prior to Romo’s injury, the offense showed about as much excitement as Bingo night at a retirement home! If Garrett manages to secure a win or two before this season ends, that will be a miracle but still should not allow him to retain the job as head coach.

It goes without saying that this season is a lost cause for the Cowboys. They have a worse record than the Detroit Lions (one of the worse teams in the NFL for more years than I care to count) and could conceivably lose to said Lions in two weeks! The only team with a record worse than the Cowboys are the Buffalo Bills and that’s because they haven’t been able to keep it together long enough to win ONE game. But, even with their hopeless record, the Bills are doing what the Cowboys under Wade Phillips stopped doing weeks ago – giving a damn and actually trying to win games!

The showings during the last four weeks probably led to suicides in Dallas! The defense has pretty much given up. I don’t even know why they bother to move around on plays because it makes no difference. They are about as effective as one square of toilet paper when you’ve got explosive diarrhea after eating bad chili. I have seen corpses with more life after rigor mortis! This hapless bunch should be ashamed! And, they should be made to return the money they have stolen from the organization since they are getting paid but not doing their jobs. In any other profession, this kind of thievery would be criminal!

Football SWEET ASSES of the Week:

The Cleveland Browns

The Browns put it on Tom Brady and the New England Patriots like no one has all season, holding this explosive offense to two touchdowns while they scored 34 points! Ray Mangini, a Bill Belichick protégé, demonstrated that on this given Sunday, the student has surpassed the teacher! The Browns rode Peyton Hillis to victory with his 184 rushing yards and two touchdowns. In all, the Browns ran over the Patriots like a mack truck hitting a rag doll, amassing a total of 230 yards rushing for the day! And, let’s give some credit to the Browns’ young quarterback, Colt McCoy who can add the Patriots, along with the Saints, to the list of teams he has defeated!

The Atlanta Falcons’ Michael Turner

I haven’t mentioned the Falcons all season because they have been “flying” under my radar! (Hey! Even I am allowed a bad pun here and there … okay everywhere!) Turner was the game changer for the Falcons! He ran for 107 yards and two touchdowns to help the Falcons gain sole possession of first place in the NFC South.

The Philadelphia Eagles’ Michael Vick

After coming back from a month off, Vick could easily have looked like a guy who needed to shake off some rust. Instead, you never would have known that he was gone by the near-perfect performance on Sunday. Vick threw for 218 yards and a touchdown and ran for another 74 yards and a touchdown. The only area the Eagles need to improve immediately is keeping drives alive if they want to be on par with the elite teams in the NFC. They settled for four field goals in this game. If only one of those had been a touchdown, they would have put the Colts away much sooner than the final seconds of the fourth quarter. Instead, a great read and interception by Asante Samuel (his second of the game) sealed the Colts’ fate! Also, it was great to see DeSean Jackson back after the concussion he suffered several weeks ago.

The New York Giants

I hate writing this but the Giants are doing it week in and week out, and looking very good! They are actually looking as good, if not better, than they did when they won the Super Bowl. They are putting up tons of points on offense and holding onto the ball. Now, beating the Seattle Seahawks is no easy feat (the defeat to Oakland notwithstanding), but it’s not particularly difficult either (the defeat to Oakland is a prime example). However, beating them like they stole something is a completely different thing! And, that’s what the Giants did! They took the Seahawks out behind the woodshed and beat them down!

Maybe the Seahawks would fare better if their new quarterback didn’t look like a member of an 80s hairband! Get a f*cking haircut, buddy! Also, this week, Eli didn’t look like he had to cry as badly as he has on previous game days! That’s an improvement in and of itself!

Football HALF ASS of the Week:

The Dallas Cowboys’ Owner Jerry Jones

Jerry is a half ass this week because he fired only one of the at least two people he needs to fire. Once he fires himself as GM, he’ll find a coveted spot as a SWEET ASS! One thing that separates most intelligent people from the brain dead masses is the ability to know what you can and cannot do, to know your strengths and acknowledge your weaknesses. At this point, Jerry is as dumb as a box of hair for continuing to employ himself as GM!

The New Orleans Saints

It was a decisive win against … The Carolina Panthers! Big f*cking deal! My Bichon could win a game against the Panthers … by herself! (But, please note that the Cowboys likely could not.) The Super Bowl Champion Saints are SUPPOSED to beat the Panthers … by a lot! So, they don’t get any props for doing what they were supposed to do! Good job, Saints! You beat a team with a worse offense and defense than the Cowboys! I didn’t know that team existed in the NFL! If the Saints could not run over a team that went through three quarterbacks (each of which stunk worst than the last one), they should be made to return the Lombardi Trophy!

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Only in America: You Can Run for Elected Office Even If You’re Not as Smart as a Fifth Grader!

Posted by Main Ass on November 4, 2010 in Politics/Society

Politics is the only field where demanding that someone applying for a job NOT have any experience is acceptable and encouraged. … Imagine a pilot on your next flight who has never flown a plane. What would your reaction be to this announcement? “Hello ladies and gentlemen! I am Bob. I’ve never flown a plane or even taken flying lessons. But, today I woke up and decided that I was going to helm this flight. Buckle up because I am about to take you on the ride of your life!”


So, the Republicans have taken the House. This is another chance for them to try to enact their Contract ON America. Republicans roused their base using the antics of the Tea Party, most of whose members have never held elected office. Much of their rhetoric centered on getting rid of “career politicians” and taking on the “Washington elite.”

Politics is the only field where demanding that someone applying for a job NOT have any experience is acceptable and encouraged. And, Washington seems to be the only destination for a career where being intelligent and thoughtful in your decision-making is a weakness. What other job can you think of where the consumers are ignorantly clamoring for someone with little or no experience? For someone who’s dumb as a box of hair? For someone who doesn’t know the lay of the land and the major players? For someone who used to be a WITCH? WTF?! Did Christine O’Donnell think she was applying for a job at Hogwarts?! Quick … get her cape and broom!

Imagine if this were the case in other areas of society. Imagine a pilot on your next flight who has never flown a plane. What would your reaction be to this announcement? “Hello ladies and gentlemen! I am Bob. I’ve never flown a plane or even taken flying lessons. But, today I woke up and decided that I was going to helm this flight. Buckle up because I am about to take you on the ride of your life!”

I can guarantee you that plane would take off with just Bob on it because everyone else would have bailed, including the same morons who demand their political representatives have no experience. They’d likely be the first ones sliding down the ramp off the plane or trying to squeeze through that port-hole called a window.

In this latest election, in states all over the country, Tea Party and Republican candidates trumpeted their lack of political experience as the very reason they should be elected. That would be like an attorney going to a client and trying to assure them with this nonsense: “I have never tried a case before and have no clue about civil procedure or any of that litigation stuff, and that is the very reason you should hire me. I don’t know sh&t about this but I’ll stun opposing counsel into a coma with my dizzying lack of knowledge!”

In Delaware, the Tea Party and Sarah Palin darling Christine O’Donnell did her best to defeat Chris Coons in the race for Senator. Her lack of knowledge of political basics was frightening! She didn’t even understand the Constitution of her very own country, asking during a debate “Where in the Constitution is the separation of church and state?”

Coons, that pesky, intelligent, career politician noted that it appeared in the 1st Amendment. “Let me clarify,” O’Donnell stated. “You’re telling me that separation of church and state is in 1st Amendment?” Really? Seriously? Yes, DUMBASS, it’s in the Constitution where it states “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.”

The Republicans were prepared to send this f&cktard to the Senate when she’s not even aware of the basic tenets of our Constitution yet she has “a graduate fellowship in constitutional government from the Claremont Institute.” Huh? And, even though she lost by 16 POINTS, this DUMBASS declared her Delaware Senate candidacy a success! Wow! Dumb and delusional … they have released another Palin virus on this nation. And, like her predecessor, this woman is emboldened to try to win public office or talk politics when she lacks a basic understanding of policy and how this country works.

In California, Carly Fiorina and Meg Whitman, two people with no political experience tried to get elected as Senator and Governor, respectively. Both candidates ran on the Republican ticket, trumpeted their outsider status and have private sector experience that they wanted to bring to bear on the political machine.

To demonstrate that she should be the candidate to lead us down the path of fiscal responsibility, Meg Whitman spent over $140 million dollars of her own money to garner over 3 million votes and still lost to Jerry Brown, a political insider and career politician who spent a paltry $25 million. So this experienced CEO who was going to bring fiscal responsibility to Sacramento out-spent the so-called big spender by almost 6 times over! Way to lead by example! Way to demonstrate that old Republican fiscal conservatism. If we were spending $1000s of dollars on toilets back in the 1980s, imagine what we’d spend on them if this woman were running the state!

Whitman, who hasn’t voted in almost 30 years, wanted to hold the highest office in the state of California. Her plan was simply to run California like she ran Ebay because … state politics and private sector enterprise are so similar? Yeah … that’s it! Claiming that the office of governor is similar to being CEO of a company is akin to claiming that flying a plane Is just like driving a car. They both have wheels, they both need to be steered, they both transport people, they both require fuel and … and … that’s about it!

Whitman’s policy plans for California were as thin as toilet paper because she lacks a basic understanding of state politics in the state where she has spent her entire adult life. She could never explain to the electorate how exactly she was going to fire 40,000 state employees, balance the budget, increase jobs and decrease state spending, all while continuing to make those delightful Quaker Oats commercials!

The arrogance of these would-be politicians is frightening! The disdain with which they treat knowledge and experience shocks the conscience. But, don’t be fooled for one second. It’s only knowledge of politics that they disdain and discount as if it serves no use when you’re a POLITICIAN! I wonder if Meg Whitman or Carly Fiorina or Linda McMahon would hire a CFO with no financial or accounting experience? Would they be comfortable handing over the finances of their private sector enterprises to someone who didn’t know GAAP from the GAP? Probably not! That would be DUMB. And, in many cases, it’s just as dumb to hire a politician with scant political experience and one who doesn’t even know a basic principle of our Constitution!

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Week Eight of Football – Trick or Treat!

Posted by Main Ass on November 2, 2010 in Entertainment/Sports

[Dallas] is a HOT MESS! The only way they will get a win is if their opponents play Cabbage Patch dolls in place of their players! This team, in seven games, has amassed TWO rushing touchdowns! TWO! You simply cannot win if you have an anemic running game! Dallas’ running game is on life support and is about to flat line.


Football A**HOLES of the Week:

The Dallas Cowboys

If you are a Cowboy fan, it was another trick! Week in, week out, it’s the same thing, loss after loss after sad, coma-inducing loss. Einstein said it best “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” And, they are definitely insane in Dallas. From Wade Phillips to Jason Garrett to Jerry Jones to the players on both sides of the ball: they keep doing the same thing and expecting the Cowboys to win. The offensive line cannot block well enough to allow the running game to get going. Barber or Jones … it doesn’t matter. Neither of them can run behind a line that blocks like a bunch wet cats!

At the end of the first half, Marion Barber had run seven times for eight yards! At the end of the game, Felix Jones had eight rushes for 22 yards and Barber had nine rushes for 16 yards … oh, and a touchdown! The Cowboys got into Jacksonville territory five times and came away with three points in the first half! The only bright spot in the first half for the Cowboys was Miles Austin’s six catches for 102 yards.

Wade Phillips needs be removed as defensive coordinator. The Cowboys have one of the simplest defenses in the league. They offer no disguises on coverage; they just line up and show the offense the coverage they can expect which allows the offense to make adjustments at the line. This is how football was played in the 1950s, the decade from which Phillips pulls his plays! When the Cowboys face an intelligent quarterback with a strong arm and excellent receivers, like Peyton Manning, they will be eaten alive. So far this season, this dead-end defense has allowed two quarterbacks to throw four touchdowns!

The Cowboys played like they had been invited to a funeral and didn’t want to wake the dead. And, they didn’t. They couldn’t even keep their own players interested in this game. The defense went to sleep in the second quarter and the offensive line followed. Kitna was sleep walking through the entire game, throwing four interceptions (two of which were the fault of the receivers failing to make catches). But, for many of Kitna’s passes, the Cowboys’ receivers would have needed arms that were 15 feet long to make a catch! That’s how piss poor his passing was!

This team is a HOT MESS! The only way they will get a win is if their opponents play Cabbage Patch dolls in place of their players! This team, in seven games, has amassed TWO rushing touchdowns! TWO! You simply cannot win if you have an anemic running game! Dallas’ running game is on life support and is about to flat line. Their ill-advised experiment with two running backs is a big failure! When you only have two rushing touchdowns after playing seven games, that’s a BIG problem. At the end of this game, their two running backs had 17 rushes for 38 yards! That’s an output from two adult men of just over two yards per run! There is no team with a winning record with these kinds of running statistics!

With the problems the Cowboys have they need a coach with the balls to fix them. Suffice it to say, that’s not Wade Phillips. In place of balls, he’s got rotting raisins!

The Washington Redskins’ Coach Mike Shanahan

He takes Donovan McNabb, his starting quarterback, out of the game with less than two minutes to play and puts in Rex Grossman who hasn’t played since 2009 when he relieved Matt Schaub in Houston, a game that Houston lost. Grossman lived up to his name, and promptly demonstrated why he warms the bench, by fumbling the ball! Thus, the Redskins lost to the Detroit Lions, giving Detroit only their second win of the season as Matt Stafford makes his return with four touchdown passes!

But, stranger than taking McNabb out of the game were the reasons Shanahan (and then his son) created for his decision. Donovan doesn’t know the two-minute drill … Donovan is out of shape … Donovan was injured and was told he might be pulled. Okay DUMBASSES! Get your lies straight BEFORE you speak to the media. Right now, both Shanahans look like the idiots they apparently are!

Football SWEET ASSES of the Week:

The Jacksonville Jaguars’ Maurice Jones-Drew

Maurice Jones-Drew is an actual sweet ass! Look at that behind! No, seriously, LOOK AT IT! Don’t be ashamed if you are a man. It’s unbelievable! There is a lot of funky junk in this man’s trunk! And, he runs like he’s being chased by his own ass! He is almost as tall as he is wide at 5’ 7” and 208 pounds! In this game against the Cowboys, a team that couldn’t stop a runner with one leg, he ran for 135 yards on 27 carries! That was sweet, especially in light of the yards the Cowboys’ running duo put up!

The Washington Redskins’ Brandon Banks

He returned a kick for a touchdown that was called back on a penalty. No problem. He just did it again! A 96-yard kick-off returned for a touchdown!

The San Francisco 49ers’ Troy Smith

Mr. Smith ended the day 12 of 19 for 196 yards and a touchdown. Not the best stats, but certainly not the worst. But, the most important stat for Mr. Smith: no interceptions! Unlike his predecessor, the other Mr. Smith, he didn’t hurt his team! He scrambled and kept plays alive. And, he didn’t make mental mistakes that doomed his team! In short, he played smart football and walked away with a win for his debut as starting quarterback. Now, maybe the 49ers can make use of their talent and play some real football!

Football HALF ASS of the Week:

The Minnesota Vikings’ Brad Childress

He hires Randy Moss four weeks ago. Then, without consulting with the owner or other coaching staff, he releases Randy on Monday because of Moss’ criticism of his coaching (oh and some sh*t about criticizing food from the caterers). Grow some thicker skin, Chilly! And, stop acting like a big, dumbass baby! Granted, Moss should have kept his comments to himself but Childress and the Vikings knew what kind of player they were getting. His great on the field but strange as f&ck during post-game interviews. That’s Randy Moss! Next stop for Randy … who knows … Washington, St. Louis, New York for the Jets? Next stop for Childress … cleaning out his office during the off-season which won’t come fast enough for the Vikings!

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Week Seven of Football – WHY???

Posted by Main Ass on October 28, 2010 in Entertainment/Sports

[T]he Broncos showed up to a gun fight with oven mitts and the Oakland Raiders showed up with Uzis, full loaded and ready to go! When I saw the score, I assumed there was some mistake … I thought maybe fat fingers who caused the uproar on Wall Street had dropped by the NFL.

Football A**HOLES of the Week:

The Denver Broncos

I watched Sunday’s games amazed at what I saw and what I didn’t see. Absent were horrifying hits like the ones seen the previous week. Defense, offense, heart and soul were also absent for too many teams. No team was more emblematic of that than the Denver Broncos.

The Broncos have managed to fly below my radar all season playing some pretty uninspired football. This week, I took notice. Why? Because the Broncos showed up to a gun fight with oven mitts and the Oakland Raiders showed up with Uzis, full loaded and ready to go! When I saw the score, I assumed there was some mistake … I thought maybe fat fingers who caused the uproar on Wall Street had dropped by the NFL. But, alas, that was not the case. This score was the result of an old fashioned beat down!

The Raiders came to play professional football and the Broncos came to study grass and watch it grow! I think the E*trade baby and ten of his friends would have put up more resistance than the Broncos on defense. At the very least, their poopy diapers could’ve distracted the Raiders enough to the Broncos a chance to do something other than stand around looking confused! I mean, come on! The Broncos’ defense (an oxymoron by any standard given Sunday’s performance) gave up 59 points!! To the Raiders!!

Jason Campbell of the Raiders had a passer rating of over 127! He hasn’t had a passer rating that high since BEFORE he played his first game in the NFL! These so-called professional athletes gave up 59 points in a professional, competitive sports league. Did someone tell the Broncos to send in plastic action figures instead of players? Did the coach leave his playbook and bring a cookbook instead? What the f&ck happened?! I have no more words for how bad this game was. The entire front office, from the coach on down, should be taken out behind the woodshed and dealt with appropriately!

The Dallas Cowboys

The Cowboys are like cutters … all of their wounds are self-inflicted! Every week, they find a new and novel way to beat themselves. But, I called it weeks ago. While all the football pundits from Fox Sports to the NFL Network hemmed and hawed, too afraid to back off earlier predictions of this team’s greatness and a possible Super Bowl appearance, I had the balls to call a spade a spade! And, Steve Young was brave enough to call them out after Monday’s game using some of his harshest language in years!

The Cowboys are 1 and 5. That’s it. Period. End of story. There are no great teams in the league right now that have won only one game! Look at the 49ers! They play like f&cktards every week and have managed to win one game. Look at the Broncos! They are awful but have kept it together enough to win two games. The other teams that have only managed to win one game so far this season: The Detroit Lions (they won a total of two games last year) and the Carolina Panthers!

Monday night’s game was such a disappointment on so many fronts just like all the other losses. First, a missed assignment by the fullback, Chris Gronkowski, led to Romo taking a vicious, but legal, hit and being knocked out of the game. Turns out, he’s likely lost for the rest of the season. After that hit, the entire team acted as if they were playing on one of those electrified football games we used to play with when we were kids. You line up your player pieces, turn a switch and watch them go every-which-a-way! That’s what the Cowboys looked like, with Kitna’s piece stuck going backward or just falling over! By the time Kitna realized he was no longer warming the bench, the Cowboys were too far behind to catch up. But, to their credit, in the fourth quarter they woke up and started playing.

Then, just as they were getting back into the game, Wade Phillips decides to make a coaching decision, something best left to people who actually know that the object of football is to score more points than your opponent! After failing to get a first down, instead of kicking a field goal, a call almost anyone who has ever watched the game for at least 10 minutes would make, Phillips decides to go for it on fourth down! It was undoubtedly one of the most bone-headed calls I’ve ever seen! At that point, I was dialing a “friend” in NYC and telling him that Wade should visit Jimmy Hoffa!

I am predicting that the Cowboys will win a total of five games this season and that’s it!

The New Orleans Saints

Wow! What a difference a year makes! The Saints have lost three games thus far this season but the loss to the Browns has to be the worst of the bunch. First, because the Browns stink like rotted meat and second, because it highlights some serious deficiencies in New Orleans’ game. Brees was giving away the ball on Sunday like he was Santa Claus on Christmas! He was being so generous and sharing that he threw two out of his four interceptions to the same player, David Bowens!

Since their Super Bowl appearance, the Saints have looked very human and quite fallible. They have won four games, three of which by a combined 10 points that easily could have gone the other way. Of the four teams they defeated, only one of them (The Tampa Bay Buccaneers) has a winning record! By comparison, their three losses have been by a combined 26 points! Trust me, this team will watch the Super Bowl from the same vantage point as I will … from someone’s coach noshing on a plate of nachos!

Football SWEET ASSES of the Week:

The Dallas Cowboys’ Dez Bryant

Bryant came to play on Monday and boy did he! He returned a kick 93 yards for a touchdown and caught a pass from Kitna for another touchdown. He was simply on fire! He was one of the few Cowboys who didn’t give up on Monday. He looked like he was having fun and he made that horrid display interesting to watch!

The Oakland Raiders’ Darren McFadden

McFadden put it on the Denver Broncos! He rushed for three touchdowns and 165 yards and caught a touchdown pass, ending the day with 196 all purpose yards and four total touchdowns! Not a bad way to start the week!

The Atlanta Falcons’ Roddy White

Does he have wings? Is he an actual falcon? He has to be to put on a show like he did on Sunday! The numbers are incredible: 11 catches for 201 yards and two touchdowns! But, the numbers pale in comparison to the way he earned them: a one-handed touchdown and a juggling catch he made falling into the end zone!

Football HALF ASSES of the Week:

The New York Giants

Some of you will accuse me of being a sore loser. Go screw yourself, A**HOLE! Granted, I hated watching the Cowboys lose to the Giants because I knew I would hear about it from my friends from New York who live for the Giants. But, I am placing the Giants on this list because this game should not have been close. Eli still looks like a lost little boy, throwing two interceptions in the first quarter and ending the game with a total of three interceptions.

But, the defense and special teams gave up 25 points AFTER Romo was knocked out of the game! And, let’s be clear. We are talking about a defense that was well-rested since the Cowboys had more three-and-outs than I can count. So, while the Giants are much improved since the beginning of the season and have won four games in a row (a feat the Cowboys will only accomplish if their competitors replace their players with lawn chairs and even then it’s going to be close), I still cannot say they are the best team in the NFC. I think that mystery will be solved in the next two to three weeks, after Michael Vick’s return to the Eagles.

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