Week Nine of Football – FINALLY!
The defense has pretty much given up. I don’t even know why they bother to move around on plays because it makes no difference. They are about as effective as one square of toilet paper when you’ve got explosive diarrhea after eating bad chili. I have seen corpses with more life after rigor mortis!
Football A**HOLES of the Week:
The Dallas Cowboys
Finally! Jerry Jones pulled the trigger and fired Wade Phillips! It’s about f*cking time! Something needed to be done and fast. One down and one more to go because Garrett is dead weight as well. Prior to Romo’s injury, the offense showed about as much excitement as Bingo night at a retirement home! If Garrett manages to secure a win or two before this season ends, that will be a miracle but still should not allow him to retain the job as head coach.
It goes without saying that this season is a lost cause for the Cowboys. They have a worse record than the Detroit Lions (one of the worse teams in the NFL for more years than I care to count) and could conceivably lose to said Lions in two weeks! The only team with a record worse than the Cowboys are the Buffalo Bills and that’s because they haven’t been able to keep it together long enough to win ONE game. But, even with their hopeless record, the Bills are doing what the Cowboys under Wade Phillips stopped doing weeks ago – giving a damn and actually trying to win games!
The showings during the last four weeks probably led to suicides in Dallas! The defense has pretty much given up. I don’t even know why they bother to move around on plays because it makes no difference. They are about as effective as one square of toilet paper when you’ve got explosive diarrhea after eating bad chili. I have seen corpses with more life after rigor mortis! This hapless bunch should be ashamed! And, they should be made to return the money they have stolen from the organization since they are getting paid but not doing their jobs. In any other profession, this kind of thievery would be criminal!
Football SWEET ASSES of the Week:
The Cleveland Browns
The Browns put it on Tom Brady and the New England Patriots like no one has all season, holding this explosive offense to two touchdowns while they scored 34 points! Ray Mangini, a Bill Belichick protégé, demonstrated that on this given Sunday, the student has surpassed the teacher! The Browns rode Peyton Hillis to victory with his 184 rushing yards and two touchdowns. In all, the Browns ran over the Patriots like a mack truck hitting a rag doll, amassing a total of 230 yards rushing for the day! And, let’s give some credit to the Browns’ young quarterback, Colt McCoy who can add the Patriots, along with the Saints, to the list of teams he has defeated!
The Atlanta Falcons’ Michael Turner
I haven’t mentioned the Falcons all season because they have been “flying” under my radar! (Hey! Even I am allowed a bad pun here and there … okay everywhere!) Turner was the game changer for the Falcons! He ran for 107 yards and two touchdowns to help the Falcons gain sole possession of first place in the NFC South.
The Philadelphia Eagles’ Michael Vick
After coming back from a month off, Vick could easily have looked like a guy who needed to shake off some rust. Instead, you never would have known that he was gone by the near-perfect performance on Sunday. Vick threw for 218 yards and a touchdown and ran for another 74 yards and a touchdown. The only area the Eagles need to improve immediately is keeping drives alive if they want to be on par with the elite teams in the NFC. They settled for four field goals in this game. If only one of those had been a touchdown, they would have put the Colts away much sooner than the final seconds of the fourth quarter. Instead, a great read and interception by Asante Samuel (his second of the game) sealed the Colts’ fate! Also, it was great to see DeSean Jackson back after the concussion he suffered several weeks ago.
The New York Giants
I hate writing this but the Giants are doing it week in and week out, and looking very good! They are actually looking as good, if not better, than they did when they won the Super Bowl. They are putting up tons of points on offense and holding onto the ball. Now, beating the Seattle Seahawks is no easy feat (the defeat to Oakland notwithstanding), but it’s not particularly difficult either (the defeat to Oakland is a prime example). However, beating them like they stole something is a completely different thing! And, that’s what the Giants did! They took the Seahawks out behind the woodshed and beat them down!
Maybe the Seahawks would fare better if their new quarterback didn’t look like a member of an 80s hairband! Get a f*cking haircut, buddy! Also, this week, Eli didn’t look like he had to cry as badly as he has on previous game days! That’s an improvement in and of itself!
Football HALF ASS of the Week:
The Dallas Cowboys’ Owner Jerry Jones
Jerry is a half ass this week because he fired only one of the at least two people he needs to fire. Once he fires himself as GM, he’ll find a coveted spot as a SWEET ASS! One thing that separates most intelligent people from the brain dead masses is the ability to know what you can and cannot do, to know your strengths and acknowledge your weaknesses. At this point, Jerry is as dumb as a box of hair for continuing to employ himself as GM!
The New Orleans Saints
It was a decisive win against … The Carolina Panthers! Big f*cking deal! My Bichon could win a game against the Panthers … by herself! (But, please note that the Cowboys likely could not.) The Super Bowl Champion Saints are SUPPOSED to beat the Panthers … by a lot! So, they don’t get any props for doing what they were supposed to do! Good job, Saints! You beat a team with a worse offense and defense than the Cowboys! I didn’t know that team existed in the NFL! If the Saints could not run over a team that went through three quarterbacks (each of which stunk worst than the last one), they should be made to return the Lombardi Trophy!
I know it has to hurt to crush the Cowboys AND praise the Giants at the same time.
Very funny stuff.
You know it! It hurt my heart! But, on this Sunday, they deserved it! I am hoping the Giants get it together since the Cowboys are out of it!