Week Seven of Football – WHY???

Posted by Main Ass on October 28, 2010 in Entertainment/Sports |

[T]he Broncos showed up to a gun fight with oven mitts and the Oakland Raiders showed up with Uzis, full loaded and ready to go! When I saw the score, I assumed there was some mistake … I thought maybe fat fingers who caused the uproar on Wall Street had dropped by the NFL.

Football A**HOLES of the Week:

The Denver Broncos

I watched Sunday’s games amazed at what I saw and what I didn’t see. Absent were horrifying hits like the ones seen the previous week. Defense, offense, heart and soul were also absent for too many teams. No team was more emblematic of that than the Denver Broncos.

The Broncos have managed to fly below my radar all season playing some pretty uninspired football. This week, I took notice. Why? Because the Broncos showed up to a gun fight with oven mitts and the Oakland Raiders showed up with Uzis, full loaded and ready to go! When I saw the score, I assumed there was some mistake … I thought maybe fat fingers who caused the uproar on Wall Street had dropped by the NFL. But, alas, that was not the case. This score was the result of an old fashioned beat down!

The Raiders came to play professional football and the Broncos came to study grass and watch it grow! I think the E*trade baby and ten of his friends would have put up more resistance than the Broncos on defense. At the very least, their poopy diapers could’ve distracted the Raiders enough to the Broncos a chance to do something other than stand around looking confused! I mean, come on! The Broncos’ defense (an oxymoron by any standard given Sunday’s performance) gave up 59 points!! To the Raiders!!

Jason Campbell of the Raiders had a passer rating of over 127! He hasn’t had a passer rating that high since BEFORE he played his first game in the NFL! These so-called professional athletes gave up 59 points in a professional, competitive sports league. Did someone tell the Broncos to send in plastic action figures instead of players? Did the coach leave his playbook and bring a cookbook instead? What the f&ck happened?! I have no more words for how bad this game was. The entire front office, from the coach on down, should be taken out behind the woodshed and dealt with appropriately!

The Dallas Cowboys

The Cowboys are like cutters … all of their wounds are self-inflicted! Every week, they find a new and novel way to beat themselves. But, I called it weeks ago. While all the football pundits from Fox Sports to the NFL Network hemmed and hawed, too afraid to back off earlier predictions of this team’s greatness and a possible Super Bowl appearance, I had the balls to call a spade a spade! And, Steve Young was brave enough to call them out after Monday’s game using some of his harshest language in years!

The Cowboys are 1 and 5. That’s it. Period. End of story. There are no great teams in the league right now that have won only one game! Look at the 49ers! They play like f&cktards every week and have managed to win one game. Look at the Broncos! They are awful but have kept it together enough to win two games. The other teams that have only managed to win one game so far this season: The Detroit Lions (they won a total of two games last year) and the Carolina Panthers!

Monday night’s game was such a disappointment on so many fronts just like all the other losses. First, a missed assignment by the fullback, Chris Gronkowski, led to Romo taking a vicious, but legal, hit and being knocked out of the game. Turns out, he’s likely lost for the rest of the season. After that hit, the entire team acted as if they were playing on one of those electrified football games we used to play with when we were kids. You line up your player pieces, turn a switch and watch them go every-which-a-way! That’s what the Cowboys looked like, with Kitna’s piece stuck going backward or just falling over! By the time Kitna realized he was no longer warming the bench, the Cowboys were too far behind to catch up. But, to their credit, in the fourth quarter they woke up and started playing.

Then, just as they were getting back into the game, Wade Phillips decides to make a coaching decision, something best left to people who actually know that the object of football is to score more points than your opponent! After failing to get a first down, instead of kicking a field goal, a call almost anyone who has ever watched the game for at least 10 minutes would make, Phillips decides to go for it on fourth down! It was undoubtedly one of the most bone-headed calls I’ve ever seen! At that point, I was dialing a “friend” in NYC and telling him that Wade should visit Jimmy Hoffa!

I am predicting that the Cowboys will win a total of five games this season and that’s it!

The New Orleans Saints

Wow! What a difference a year makes! The Saints have lost three games thus far this season but the loss to the Browns has to be the worst of the bunch. First, because the Browns stink like rotted meat and second, because it highlights some serious deficiencies in New Orleans’ game. Brees was giving away the ball on Sunday like he was Santa Claus on Christmas! He was being so generous and sharing that he threw two out of his four interceptions to the same player, David Bowens!

Since their Super Bowl appearance, the Saints have looked very human and quite fallible. They have won four games, three of which by a combined 10 points that easily could have gone the other way. Of the four teams they defeated, only one of them (The Tampa Bay Buccaneers) has a winning record! By comparison, their three losses have been by a combined 26 points! Trust me, this team will watch the Super Bowl from the same vantage point as I will … from someone’s coach noshing on a plate of nachos!

Football SWEET ASSES of the Week:

The Dallas Cowboys’ Dez Bryant

Bryant came to play on Monday and boy did he! He returned a kick 93 yards for a touchdown and caught a pass from Kitna for another touchdown. He was simply on fire! He was one of the few Cowboys who didn’t give up on Monday. He looked like he was having fun and he made that horrid display interesting to watch!

The Oakland Raiders’ Darren McFadden

McFadden put it on the Denver Broncos! He rushed for three touchdowns and 165 yards and caught a touchdown pass, ending the day with 196 all purpose yards and four total touchdowns! Not a bad way to start the week!

The Atlanta Falcons’ Roddy White

Does he have wings? Is he an actual falcon? He has to be to put on a show like he did on Sunday! The numbers are incredible: 11 catches for 201 yards and two touchdowns! But, the numbers pale in comparison to the way he earned them: a one-handed touchdown and a juggling catch he made falling into the end zone!

Football HALF ASSES of the Week:

The New York Giants

Some of you will accuse me of being a sore loser. Go screw yourself, A**HOLE! Granted, I hated watching the Cowboys lose to the Giants because I knew I would hear about it from my friends from New York who live for the Giants. But, I am placing the Giants on this list because this game should not have been close. Eli still looks like a lost little boy, throwing two interceptions in the first quarter and ending the game with a total of three interceptions.

But, the defense and special teams gave up 25 points AFTER Romo was knocked out of the game! And, let’s be clear. We are talking about a defense that was well-rested since the Cowboys had more three-and-outs than I can count. So, while the Giants are much improved since the beginning of the season and have won four games in a row (a feat the Cowboys will only accomplish if their competitors replace their players with lawn chairs and even then it’s going to be close), I still cannot say they are the best team in the NFC. I think that mystery will be solved in the next two to three weeks, after Michael Vick’s return to the Eagles.

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