When A Name Tells You All You Need To Know
Or Simply Put: It’s Called a KILLER WHALE, DUMBASS!
He killed this man and then wore him on his back like a shawl. Damn! That’s some Silence of the Lambs sh&t! “It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets eaten alive again!” What the f*ck?!
Part 1 of this post introduced Tilikum, the Killer Whale, who killed a trainer at SeaWorld in February 2010. This is Part 2 in the series called When Wild Animals Kill Stupid People!
Let’s begin with the obvious. If the animal has “killer” as part of its name, you can reasonably assume that said animal can KILL you! Of course, it leads one to ask: who named the animal? My guess, probably the best friend of the person who discovered it. Why him? Because while the guy who discovered the whale was in the water, trying to study it, his friend was watching from the safety of the shore. When that guy started to be thrown around the ocean like a human-sized Raggedy Andy doll, the friend scratched out “cuddly whale” on his note pad and replaced it with “KILLER WHALE.” Thus, the legend was born!
Killer whales rule the oceans. Why? Because they are f*cking gangsters! Did you see the way that killer whale swam around the tank as the SeaWorld trainer’s body lay a few feet away? He wasn’t cowering in a corner of the tank, remorseful about his actions, afraid of his fate. NO! He was proudly swimming around as if to say “Put another bitch in here and let her ride on my nose and see what the f*ck happens! I dare you!” As well he should! He’s a KILLER WHALE! If nothing else, he has a reputation to protect.
I also bet he got sick of being teased by the dolphins at SeaWorld. They were like “You ain’t bad … you ain’t nothing!” So, he put on the whale equivalent of his red leather jacket, knocked out some car windows, grabbed his crotch and killed a white girl! “Who’s bad?”
The people at SeaWorld KNEW Tilikum was a gangster … they KNEW he was a killer. Not only was it in his name, he had actually KILLED twice before! I think Tilikum is an underwater hit man. How else can you explain these seemingly random acts of violence?! After his first kill (probably some initiation thing the whale gangs have), he was spirited out of that place under the cover of darkness and brought to San Diego where he has continued his wave of terror.
The second person he killed allegedly got into his enclosure at night. That’s a great idea! (Something tells me alcohol was involved.) This brainiac was found floating on Tilikum’s back the next morning. That’s right! He killed this man and then wore him on his back like a shawl. Damn! That’s some Silence of the Lambs sh&t! “It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets eaten alive again!” What the f*ck?! That’s cold bloodied! And, it sends a message. He didn’t eat him or try to hide his body or do anything a regular killer might do. No! He’s GANGSTER like that!
But, again, the SeaWorld employees were too stupid to heed the warning signs. When an animal kills twice before, we can safely say that the third person who gets offed is a f*cktard. You know you have to be some kind of special DUMBASS (or have some weird suicide wish) to get into a small ass tank with a six-ton mammal with teeth the size of sofa cushions that has tasted human flesh twice before! So, for those keeping score with their fantasy killer animal teams: TILIKUM, THE KILLER WHALE – 3; DUMBASS HUMANS – 0.
Let’s get back to the name issue for a second. Scientists (or their friends) gave us a big clue when they named the entire species KILLER WHALES. If it were a safe and timid animal, its name would reflect that. It would have been named the CUDDLY WHALE. See, there are whales (regular ones who don’t commit murder on the regular) and then there are KILLERS. They have been given a special designation so we know what the hell we are dealing with and can act accordingly! But, alas, clearly at least three people didn’t pay attention to the adjective preceding the noun and that was their fatal mistake.
Where I’m from, you were taught to pay attention to names. Growing up, there was a guy we’ll call CRAZY KEVIN who got his name not because he was the most intellectual guy in the ‘hood. No, he got his name because of the CRAZY sh&t he used to do. Everyone knew that if Kevin were playing cards, drinking whiskey and talking smack, something CRAZY was bound to follow, like Kevin running down the street naked, stabbing someone or cutting off his own finger to prove a point! And, if it was a full moon, he might do all three!
Because he was called Crazy Kevin (when you cut off your own appendages people tend to think you’re insane) as a child I was warned to leave him the f*ck alone. And that is exactly what I did! After ignoring my mom’s advice and playing with fire quite unsuccessfully (my eyebrows did grow back), I learned that she might be onto something. So, just as I stayed away from Crazy Kevin because his name warned me and everyone else what to expect, the SeaWorld trainer should have known to stay away from the KILLER whale!
After it has killed for a third time, what should happen to the whale? Should it be killed, sent back into the wild or should it be left the f*ck alone? I opt for the third choice! This whale shouldn’t be punished for doing what wild animals do – turning humans into chew toys as a reminder that we’re not in control of sh&t and some animals aren’t meant to be tamed. We have had enough examples by now but I fear there are more to come.
So, this trainer and countless others will have to go the way of people who have been attacked by wild animals doing what those animals do! These types of things will continue to happen as long as people harbor the misguided belief that they can tame nature. Sorry stud but nature always wins!
