I’ll Be Damned! Killer Whales Actually KILL!
When Wild Animals Kill Stupid People! – Part 1
First off, this KILLER WHALE probably got sick of being called Tilikum. That’s not a typo … that’s the name he was given … TILIKUM! What the f*ck is a Tilikum? I looked it up because curiosity got the better of me. It means burrito in Eskimo. Go figure!
Since homo sapiens began sharing the planet with other animals, attempting to tame them, kill them for food, shelter and clothing and, more recently, use them for sport and entertainment, people have been getting killed by said animals in grand and spectacular fashion. It’s nice to know some things never change!
Back in February 2010, a trainer at SeaWorld was killed by a whale. Naturally, there were lots of questions about this preventable tragedy. Everyone wanted to know what happened? Did the animal snap? Did the trainer do something wrong? The answer to both questions is YES!
First off, this KILLER WHALE probably got sick of being called Tilikum. That’s not a typo … that’s the name he was given … TILIKUM! What the f*ck is a Tilikum? I looked it up because curiosity got the better of me. It means burrito in Eskimo. Go figure! After being called that stupid name, the whale got pissed and pulled a Kunta Kente, “I am not Tilikum!” and killed the closest person to him. But, because the whale weighs over six tons, his fate was markedly different from Mr. Kente’s. He didn’t get beaten and lose a foot (or fin).
See this whale did what Kunta wished he could’ve done. He killed his master/trainer by thrashing her about and then spitting her out! Maybe Kunta didn’t want to do that exactly, but you get the gist of it. Anyway, I know what you’re thinking. How can you possibly make the connection between slavery and taking this majestic creature from its natural environment, keeping it locked up and making it perform for your enjoyment and profit? No, there’s no connection at all! Whatever was I thinking?
Taking a whale from the ocean and keeping it in a tank is the equivalent of keeping a person in a bath tub his entire life. At some point, he will snap! I can guarantee you that if I were kept in a bathtub and some bitch kept getting on my nose making me push her around and propel her into the air, the shit would hit the fan with a quickness! It wouldn’t happen every time because I would likely have some good days (though I have no idea what those would look like SINCE I AM LIVING IN A F*CKING BATH TUB). But, the bad days would be BAD, REALLY BAD! And, that’s what happened here.
After this happened, everyone at SeaWorld was quick to say that they love the whales. Really! If this were true, they would want them in their natural environment where they can live full lives. Sting told us … if you love someone, set them free. The people at SeaWorld also insisted that the trainer not only loved Tilikum but that he and the other animals were like her kids. Come on now. Would the trainer have kept her child in a tub its entire life? We wouldn’t call that love … we’d f*cking call Child Protective Services!
The excuse for keeping these and other animals locked up is always the same sh&t! We need to study them and the children can learn about them. It’s educational! I love how we always bring kids in to justify stupid sh&t. You know what, your child is curious about a lot of sh&t, like the electrical outlets in your home. But you cover those bad boys up with little plastic dohickeys because there are some things Little Billy should be told about rather than experience firsthand. The same goes with killer whales and other dangerous animals.
If your kid wants to learn about wild animals, pick up a f*cking book, watch Animal Planet, go online, visit The Bronx! What did the kids learn that day at SeaWorld after they watched a person lose her life? The most important lesson nature has to teach us … a wild animal that weighs over six tons can kill you. Leave it the hell alone! But, clearly that’s a lesson the people at SeaWorld still haven’t learned since they re-opened the whale show shortly after the trainer’s death.
And, yes, it’s horrible. A person is dead. A mother lost her child. And, I feel for her. I really do. But maybe, just maybe, the mother is to blame in this horrible incident. This mother clearly failed to tell her child what my mom told me: “Go ahead, play with the killer whale. It’s all fun and games until someone gets eaten alive!” I’d been warned and so I stayed away. This trainer wasn’t as fortunate.
So, maybe that’s what these white kids need since people keep harping on the education thing. Maybe we need to bring these white kids around Black women who can warn them about the obvious sh&t that their mothers seem to miss time and time again. For example, if you play with a wild animal that has sharp teeth and weighs as much as two Cadillac Escalades, you might become a chew toy and/or lose your f*cking life. You know, simple sh&t like that!
This is part one of a series that looks at people who have had unfortunate run ins with wild animals and lost … big time! Stay tuned for more When Wild Animals Kill Stupid People!
Week Six of Football – The Cowboys Are Driving Me To Drink
Football A**HOLES of the Week:
Wade and Jason are the Scylla and Charybdis of the Cowboys! I simply don’t see a way for this team to turn itself around unless Wade and Jason go jet skiing in Mexico and are taken out by a drug cartel!
The Dallas Cowboys
The Cowboys lost again. Why am I not surprised to be writing this … again? There were many reasons for this lackluster performance but the main one was the Cowboys’ offensive coordinator. Simply stated, Jason Garrett is offensive in his predictable play calling! He has at his disposal one of the league’s best quarterbacks (at least that’s what I am told), when he is not throwing interceptions and I don’t know when that is, and some of the top receivers in Dez Bryant, Roy Williams and Miles Austin. And, what play does Garrett continually call? Screen passes!
This was one of the worst games to watch the Cowboys lose because they could have won it in convincing fashion. I stopped counting the penalties in the first half because I only have so many fingers (they ended the game with 11 for 91 yards). Speaking of fingers, I’d like to give a very stiff one to the coaching staff of this team! The players were undisciplined and the play calling on both sides of the ball was pedestrian at best.
What caused this loss? A kickoff returned for a touchdown by the Vikings. An interception on a 3rd and 1! Why were the Cowboys throwing on a 3rd and 1? Because Garrett is an A**HOLE! Why throw the ball with that coverage? Because Romo is a DUMBASS! And, that final series with 28 seconds left in the game almost gave me herpes of the eyes! Why did Dez Bryant catch the ball and try to run with no timeouts and 28 seconds on the clock?! Let the ball bounce in the endzone and give the offense a f&cking chance since they only needed to get in field goal range for their kicker, whatever the hell that is given that he misses more than he makes them! Instead he danced around, wasted 15 seconds and didn’t gain any yards! Who called that play?! Who?! I want a hit put out on that moron!
Jason Garrett was hailed as an offensive mastermind during Romo’s first season. In 2008, the Cowboys made him the highest paid assistant in the NFL at $3 million a year! WTF?! How’s that working for you, Jerry? Right now, either Garrett is a bumbling idiot who should be stripped of his duties or he is purposely tanking the Cowboys on offense so he can take Wade’s job next season because that would be the only head coaching job available to him after this season! Now, I don’t think it’s the latter but watching the plays he has called in the first five games of the season with the talent on this team has me scratching my head. This team is now 1 and 4 when they were Super Bowl aspirants and they will be lucky to end the season 8 and 8.
Wade and Jason are the Scylla and Charybdis of the Cowboys! I simply don’t see a way for this team to turn itself around unless Wade and Jason go jet skiing in Mexico and are taken out by a drug cartel! Maybe then, the Cowboys can get a competent coaching staff! I understand Bill Cowher is considering returning to football! PLEASE … PLEASE let him come to Dallas! If so, he should keep a wooden paddle on the sidelines and handle business when players get stupid penalties. And, Bill, if you won’t come to Dallas as a coach, please consider taking a job as a consultant with paddling duties! The players act like big babies and they should be treated as such! Get a stupid penalty, get paddled!
My friend’s 68-year-old mother who loves the Cowboys (probably because they have cute outfits) summed up what needs to happen: “They need to fire their coach and the owner!” If only that were possible Al Davis would have been fired over 20 years ago! “What kind of plays were they calling?!” If she gets it, why can’t these highly-paid professionals get a clue?! And, you know this team is desperate when they activate a reality TV contestant!
The San Diego Chargers
WTF? Is their offensive line made of Swiss cheese? No seriously … are the players made of Swiss cheese because Rivers was sacked seven times in this game?! I am sure LaDainian Tomlinson is very happy to be playing for the Jets. The Rams were up 17 to 0 in the first half! The Rams! The field goal kicker of the Chargers missed a field goal because he slipped on Astroturf and this ended up costing them the game! This team has lost to the Raiders AND the Rams! WTF?! This team is too talented to play like this! San Diego, you are a loss away from heading to the CFL!
The Chicago Bears
The Bears are the team we think they are! They are a team that sucks! How can they be 4 and 2?! Jay Cutler was sacked six times! Did he get a steel plate in his head like I suggested a few weeks ago?! Their offensive line would be better if it were comprised of mannequins and dolls, like the ones from the Old Navy commercials. Then, maybe no one would need to make excuses for the lack of protection!
The Jacksonville Jaguars
What was I watching? This was a trainwreck on a football field. It’s like the Jaguars came to play lawn bowling at an NFL game! The incompetence on both sides of the ball was unimaginable! They looked as bad as the Cowboys … actually, they looked worse … much, much worse! I think the regular players were replaced with scabs from the 1987 strike season … those very same players who would all be in their 50s now! Wow! The Jaguars should wear bags over their helmets! Just awful!
Football SWEET ASSES of the Week:
You could probably put my mom in at quarterback and this team would win! The offense is firing on all cylinders and the defense is laying it on opposing teams! Kolb got over his heartbreak and has come back throwing bombs to that impressive Eagles’ receiver core.
The Houston Texans
After last week’s ass whupping from the Giants, everyone expected the Texans to give up. In this game, they looked down and out but kept fighting back. In the end, they pulled out a victory on sheer will! They scored 14 points in the last seven minutes of the game! They played smart, consistent, virtually error-free football which is a far cry from what’s going on in Dallas. Given the way they have been playing and handling adversity, I am predicting that the Texans will make it to the playoffs and represent Texas because Dallas will be residing at the bottom of the NFC East come December. Oh wait, that’s where they are now! Christmas has come early!
The Miami Dolphins
What a win over the Green Bay Packers! While it was a close game, the Dolphins gave the Packers the business and won the game in overtime with tough running. It was a team win with the defense sacking Rodgers five times and getting an interception.
The Philadelphia Eagles
You could probably put my mom in at quarterback and this team would win! The offense is firing on all cylinders and the defense is laying it on opposing teams! Kolb got over his heartbreak and has come back throwing bombs to that impressive Eagles’ receiver core. This week he was 23 of 29 for 326 yards! He was a beast! With either Kolb or Vick, this team is a threat! I cannot wait to see them face the Giants. That should be an exciting game, unlike the Cowboys-Giants game coming on Monday. I expect to cry and drink … a lot!
On another note, I was very happy to watch both DeSean Jackson of the Eagles and Dunta Robinson of the Falcons walk away from what looked like the human equivalent of a head-on collision.
The New York Jets
Even though Mark Sanchez threw two interceptions in this game, his first interceptions since 2009, this team dug deep and beat the Denver Broncos! LaDainian Tomlinson, proving with each touch that it was a bad move for the Chargers to get rid of him, had two touchdowns! Sanchez recovered from the interceptions to finish the game 17 of 30 for 198 yards and one touchdown, leading the Jets to victory and making them the first team to win five games this season!
Football HALF ASSES of the Week:
I would rather watch the opening ceremonies for the Special Olympics on repeat for a full day than to watch [the 49ers and the Raiders] play each other. But, alas, the images of this game are permanently burned into my retinas. I will go rip my eyeballs out now!
The Pittsburgh Steelers
The Steelers beat the Browns. Big f&cking deal! That’s nothing to brag about. That’s like bragging that you’ve never been to jail, Ben! The Browns were 1 and 4 entering this game. My cat could beat the Browns if she were playing with other cats and a few dogs and they were all given thumbs in some scientifically-impossible surgery! The Steelers were supposed to beat the Browns. So, when the Steelers, with Big Ben at the helm, beat a team over .500, I’ll give them a cookie!
The New York Giants vs. The Detroit Lions
Same as above. Substitute the Giants for the Steelers! Giants, you’re supposed to win this game in convincing fashion. You won, but barely!
The San Francisco 49ers vs. The Oakland Raiders
Someone had to win this game/horror show! I would rather watch the opening ceremonies for the Special Olympics on repeat for a full day than to watch these teams play each other. But, alas, the images of this game are permanently burned into my retinas. I will go rip my eyeballs out now!
San Francisco is no longer winless. Yippee! Mike Singletary keeps his job for one more week! He and Wade Phillips should grab some potato skins at Chili’s and share notes on how to squander talent! Combined these two geniuses are five short of McNugget six-pack!
When Bullies Attack (aka When Being Gay Ain’t So Gay)
While I am no theologian, I do recall something about loving your neighbor, not judging others, treating others as you would want to be treated, etc. For all the time you DUMBASSES spend urging others to wonder “What would Jesus do?”, it’s pretty incredible that you get it wrong most of the time!
Yes, it’s true! I am an A**HOLE and proud of it. But, one thing I am not is a BULLY! While the month of October is hardly over, I am proclaiming BULLIES of all stripes to be October’s A**HOLES of the Month! At the rate they are going, BULLIES could end up being the A**HOLES of the year! And, if they win, the prize will be PRICELESS!
As a self-admitted A**HOLE, I say mean things about people and entities doing stupid sh&t! But, let’s be clear! This A**HOLE would never sanction, under any circumstances, for any reasons, the loathing and violence I have seen cast upon the last group for which all other dispossessed (and clearly possessed) people of all races, ethnicities and social classes can still loudly proclaim their hatred – gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people.
First there was the rash of suicides by five gay youth or boys thought to be gay who were bullied and taunted by their peers so much that they felt the only way to stop it was to take their own lives. Seth Walsh of California, Asher Brown of Texas, Tyler Clementi in New Jersey, Billy Lucas of Indiana, and Justin Aaberg of Minnesota are no longer here because they were tormented daily by people who look like you and me, all because they were different and didn’t conform to society’s bullsh&t gender rules. Of course, these are not the only children who have committed suicide from bullying but their deaths all happened within a short time period and all seemed to be preceded by anti-gay bullying.
Then there was the court case brought by the father of U.S. service member, Matthew Snyder, whose funeral was rudely interrupted by members of a Kansas church who travel around the country protesting at the funerals of U.S. service members, denouncing homosexuality. That the service members at whose funerals they are protesting may not be gay seems to be beside the point for these so-called Christians out to spread lies and hatred at any cost. Their point appears to be letting the world know that they are clueless about the true, unadulterated message of Christ! While I am no theologian, I do recall something about loving your neighbor, not judging others, treating others as you would want to be treated, etc. For all the time you DUMBASSES spend urging others to wonder “What would Jesus do?”, it’s pretty incredible that you get it wrong most of the time!
This was followed by the homophobic statements by Carl Paladino who is running for governor of New York. Paladino, who has rented property to gays, went on an anti-gay tirade in an attempt to impress a very narrow group of ignorant New York constituents and apparently forgot he was being recorded. For a man with such profound homophobic views, Paladino seems to have very in depth knowledge of gay culture, particularly Gay Pride Parades. “The lady doth protest too much, methinks!”
Finally, there was the horrific incident of gay bashing in New York City (specifically, the Bronx), where it is believed that as many as ten gang members attacked, beat and sodomized three young men, two of whom they suspected were gay and one of whom they knew was gay. I don’t even know what to write about this. The type and severity of violence leveled at these victims was so extreme that it boggles the mind that one human being could do this to one person, let alone three people! Their actions shock the conscience!
Interestingly, all of these stories broke right on the heels of National Coming Out Day on October 11th. My favorite quote for National Coming Out Day is from another blog, The Niggerati Rag: “I COME OUT against my community that continues to allow their ignorance to be their guide and their fear to be their voice.” Preach!
The other act of bullying was unrelated to sexual orientation. It was related to plain old ignorance and was perpetuated by 33-year-old Jennifer Petkov against her neighbor, Kathleen Edward, a seven-year-old child dying of Huntington’s Disease. This act was particularly disturbing because of the age difference between the BULLY and her victim and the viciousness of Petkov’s actions, which included creating a Facebook page with gruesome pictures of the child and driving past her house in a car made to look like a hearse. Also, enraging were Petkov’s reasons for the bullying – “Personal satisfaction … because it rubs their ass raw.” Really! You get your rocks off from picking on a child … you are a SICK BIATCHE!
For those of you with children, it is your moral responsibility as parents to let your children know that these types of actions are unacceptable. It is your job to teach your children not only that bullying will not be tolerated but that if they witness it, they must try to stop it. THAT is what Jesus would do, in case anyone is confused! Also, we need to teach young boys that there are worse things in the world than being called gay … like being called an DUMBASS! Being accused of being gay is a compliment. It means you have good taste, dress well, are nice looking and well-groomed, women love you and want to be around you! I wish someone would say I was GAY! That beats being an A**HOLE any day of the week!
We seem to live in an age where if something is not happening to us, we feel no responsibility to assist the person directly affected. In the end, we are all affected by this type of hatred! It poisons the very air we breathe and takes away from our assertions that we are a civil nation founded on principles of equality and inclusion. And, for those who do this and call themselves Christians, you should be VERY ASHAMED of yourselves because we are ALL God’s children! (Of course, this statement begs the question: if we’re all God’s children what makes Jesus so special? That is the topic of another post!)
At some point in time you either have been or will be on the receiving end of someone’s unfair assessment of your worth as a human being. Think about how that feels! Think about it! Now, get off your lazy a** and do something to stop it when you witness it happening to someone else! These boys did not deserve to be mistreated everyday in school, no one deserves to be tortured and raped, and no child should spend her final days on Earth being tormented by an adult who should know better.
For all the people out there who think it is okay to taunt, torment, pick on, make fun of and generally BULLY your fellow man or woman, this is for you. You are officially October’s A**HOLES of the Month! May you see the error in your ways before the same is visited upon you, DUMBASS!
Week Five – The Real Cowboys Are Back
Football A**HOLES of the Week:
Brett’s apology to his teammates went something like this “I’m so sorry that I actually showed another person, other than my long-suffering wife, my ridiculously small penis! Please forgive me! Let’s all sing a round of ‘Pants on the Ground!’”
The Dallas Cowboys
A few weeks ago, I declared that the Cowboys wanted me dead. This week, I want them dead! UGHHH! So many bone-headed plays … so many turnovers … so many sacks … so many morons!
Here are just a few of the reasons the Cowboys are 1 and 3: 1) they turned the ball over in the red zone in the 3rd quarter; 2) they amassed 12 penalties for 133 yards; and 3) Romo was intercepted three times (largely because he telegraphs his passes) and sacked six times (largely because he’s holding the ball like it’s a baby that he’s trying to rock to sleep). This guy used to have one of the quickest releases in the league. Now he stands in the pocket like a statue and can’t figure out why he’s being sacked!
According to news reports, the team is beyond angry about the penalty for Marc Colombo and Jason Witten celebrating a touchdown that tied the game, claiming it was unfair and may have cost them the game. Give me a f&cking break! See the list above for what cost you the game, DUMBASSES! That and piss-poor tackling on the ensuing kick-off return! The mark of an undisciplined team with lowered expectations is celebrating a touchdown that tied the game (meaning they were LOSING) as if they had won the f&cking Super Bowl!
At this point in the season, a team’s record speaks volumes. The Cowboys are 1 and 3 and will be lucky to finish the season 8 and 8 given the teams they will face and the current state of play they exhibit every week. So, let’s just call this one … the Cowboys suck monkey balls! Tons of talent is being wasted and a team that should be Super Bowl caliber is playing like a bad high school football team.
Also, Romo is an idiot. During the post-game interview he said that he was “very surprised” at their record and that “1 and 3 doesn’t sit well with me. It doesn’t feel good.” Keep throwing interceptions at your current pace, Shakespeare, and you’ll have thrown about 20 this season! The real problem is the Cowboys drank the Kool Aid and believed all of the undeserved hype they got during the off-season. So every week, they show up and play like their opponents are basking in their glow and will just lay down. Well, your opponents are drinking Gatorade and are not nearly as impressed with you as you are with yourselves! Wake up! Although the NFC East is a wasteland, the Cowboys’ season is about three weeks from being over!
The Minnesota Vikings’ Brett Favre
What a DB! Father Time sexually harasses a co-worker by sending her nude-photos of himself via text! Really! When is that EVER a good idea?! Those photos always come back to haunt you, whether you’re an NFL superstar or Bob the bag boy at Kroger’s! Put the f&cking camera phone away and stop sexting because nothing good ever comes of it. Now, since it seems Brett’s perfect attendance record is about to come to an end once Roger Goodell hears from Jenn Sterger, good ol’ Brett claims his elbow injury is so bad he might miss a game! What a classless A**HOLE! Take your punishment like a man, grandpa! Ohh, and Brett’s apology to his teammates went something like this “I’m so sorry that I actually showed another person, other than my long-suffering wife, my ridiculously small penis! Please forgive me! Let’s all sing a round of ‘Pants on the Ground!’”
The San Francisco 49ers
What the f*ck is going on in the Bay Area! Did Singletary have a stroke or something between the end of the game and his post-game interview?! During the interview, Singletary kept stating, “The best team we’ve played is the 49ers.” What? Really?! Did they beat you too? That’s like an only child playing Connect Four by herself and losing! What kind of f&cktard sh*t is this?! He’s lost his mind! So, it gives me great pleasure to pronounce the Niners dead on the field! They will likely walk away from this season with four wins and I’m being nice. At the end of the day, the Niners suck because they seem to find a way to beat themselves week in and week out! They should make sure their quarterback isn’t on the take because that’s the only thing to explain his decision-making on Sunday … that or he’s a ROYAL DUMBASS!
The New Orleans Saints
I suppose they thought every team in the league was going to let them win because they finally won the Super Bowl. Well, we don’t live in fairy tale land and that just doesn’t happen, voodoo doll or not! When you win the Super Bowl, you have a target on your back, week in and week out. Every team in the NFL wants to prove they can beat you! Let’s review how the Saints gave away another game on Sunday: 1) the now fired field goal kicker missed a kick that would have given them the lead; 2) Drew Brees threw a pass from his own end zone and it was picked off; and 3) Arizona scored 21 points off of four Saints’ turnovers, three of which were interceptions. Who knew Reggie Bush would be so important to this team?! They have gone from averaging almost 32 points per game last season to less than 20! Hey Sean, inconsistent play DOES mean there’s something wrong! Apparently, denial is not just a river in Egypt! (I know … it’s an oldie but still a goodie!)
The Cincinnati Bengal’s Carson Palmer
Carson Palmer threw three interceptions this week, two in the final three minutes of the games! He is 12 and 13 as a starter since the 2008 season. He’s making a sh*t load of money and that’s what he brings to his team. If this were another country, he’d have his hands cut off, fitting punishment for the thief he is. But, since we live in America and he gets to keep his hands (those horrible, horrible hands), he should give the team their money back because they were sold a bill of goods, much like the Cowboys with Romo. The Bucs … THE BUCS won this game because they scored 17 points off of Palmer’s three interceptions!
Football SWEET ASSES of the Week:
The Rams and Super Bowl in the same sentence! The Rams couldn’t win a game in the Rose Bowl playing a group of old ladies from the local retirement home! Whatever Spanuolo is smoking, he needs to puff-puff-pass!
The New York Giants
I hate to write this but the New York Giants looked much better this week, beating a quality Houston team at home. The Giants defense played hard and led them to a victory, despite Eli’s two interceptions. Also, it certainly didn’t hurt that Houston’s defense played dead and let the Giants run all over the field. They looked tired which made the Giants look very good.
The Detroit Lions
The Detroit Lions played the sh&t out of the Rams. Don’t get me wrong, they both suck but in this game the Lions sucked a whole lot less than the Rams and actually looked good! Yeah! One team had to win and the Lions poured it on while the Rams did what they do best in this game … not a DAMNED thing! The Lions racked up 44 points to become the highest scoring team in the horrific NFC! In each of their previous three games, Shaun Hill threw two interceptions to help his team lose. In this game, he threw three touchdowns for 227 yards and no interceptions! Keep it up Shaun and your team can let another team (like the Bills or the Niners or the Panthers) fight over the first round draft pick!
Clearly stunned by this outcome, the Rams’ coach, Steve Spagnuolo actually let lose this little ditty: “There are teams that went to Super Bowls that during the season had one of those days,” Spagnuolo said. “I’m hoping that it’s the one and it’s done and we move on.” Excuse me! The Rams and Super Bowl in the same sentence! The Rams couldn’t win a game in the Rose Bowl playing a group of old ladies from the local retirement home! Whatever Spanuolo is smoking, he needs to puff-puff-pass!
Football HALF-ASSES of the Week:
Randy Moss and Tom Brady (aka the Beard and Goldilocks)
Two grown-ass men fighting about hair … that should only happen in a Broadway musical or an episode of “Glee!” WTF?! Really?! Randy Moss gets traded for telling the truth about Tom’s hair! Yes, f&cktard, you look like a five-year-old girl! And, admitting that your wife won’t let you cut your hair … what did you expect?! This is football, not ballet! Grow a pair, Tom! And, Randy, that beard makes you like a Black Unibomber! Cut that taco meat off your f*cking face!
Week Four of Football – What A Snore!
I know I’m a bit late with this post. By way of explanation, I’ll only say this: do not buy cans of beans from Big Lots or the 99 Cents Store! It’s not worth the ten cents per can you’ll save. Trust me! Spend the money! The human cost to you and those around you will always far exceed the meager savings. With that said, let’s get ready for some football!
The Cowboys had a bye this week, so I didn’t have a dog in the fight. Thus, I didn’t feel too strongly about what transpired over week four. But, with that said, there were still plenty of A**HOLES and SWEET ASSES!
Football A**HOLES of the Week:
[The Bears] need a quarterback with a giant steel plate in his head since he’s going to spend most of the game tasting turf!
The San Francisco 49ers
First off, is it just me or does their coach, Mike Singletary, look like a human Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? Just me … right! Anyway, I’ll just put it out there … their quarterback sucks and blows! Do you know how hard it is to SUCK and BLOW at the same time? Not too hard if you’re the QB in San Francisco! In their FOUR losses, Alex Smith has thrown just THREE touchdowns and SEVEN interceptions. I am pretty sure I’d have a better ratio using my left arm and a Nerf football! Fire as many offensive coordinators as you want! Unless the next one is also a quarterback, your problems will continue and are only going to get worse if your QB continues to play like a DB!
I think with each loss Singletary’s cross gets larger. By the end of the season, he’s gonna look like Jesus on the sideline! Ohh, and how could I forget Nate Clements! Dude, tuck f*cking the ball and run like your ass is on fire! How many times do we have to see this scenario before players realize how it’s done?! Is there a bigger disappointment this year than San Francisco? When will pundits learn that what you see in pre-season means absolutely NOTHING! BTW, I love watching the Niners lose! They were the bane of the Cowboys’ existence in the 80s when we had our version of Alex Smith … Danny White!
The Chicago Bears
Their quarterback was sacked NINE TIMES before the end of the FIRST half! Prior to this game, Jay Cutler looked okay even though he has taken some heat and lots of hits. In this game, he looked like someone’s grandmother with a bad hip. But, truth be told, even Superman couldn’t do sh*t behind that horrendous offensive line! Their offensive (pun intended) system needs to change to protect their quarterback or they need a quarterback with a giant steel plate in his head since he’s going to spend most of the game tasting turf!
Football SWEET ASSES of the Week:
Their running game on Sunday was strong and awesome! The Redskins ran for 169 yards and that’s what won the game … that and the Eagle’s Kolb playing like a woman scorned!
The Jacksonville Jaguars’ kicker Joss Scobee
Scobee kicked a field goal for 59 F*CKING YARDS! Are you kidding me?! Ohh, and they beat the COLTS doing it!
The Washington Redskins
Their running game on Sunday was strong and awesome! And, it had to be because McNabb was throwing like a guy with one arm. Horrible – 8 of 19 for 125 yards! The Redskins ran for 169 yards and that’s what won the game … that and the Eagle’s Kolb playing like a woman scorned! Too bad they lost Clinton Portis in the process!
The Cincinnati Bengal’s Terrell Owens
Owens was fierce … Sasha Fierce! T.O. looked like the old T.O. in his first few seasons with Dallas or back when he was with San Francisco. He had over 220 yards (222 to be exact) and 2 touchdowns! T.O. was a beast! Too bad Cincinnati’s quarterback was like a lamb led to the slaughter getting sacked FOUR times!
The Carolina Panther’s DeAngelo Williams
DeAngelo’s run for a touchdown in the 3rd quarter was a thing of beauty so much so that I had to rewind it and watch it again. He starts right, stops and cuts left, leaving defenders shaken and stirred!
The New York Jets’ LaDainian Tomlinson
Watching him cut through the defense on Sunday was sweet – over 130 yards and 2 touchdowns. It’s great to see him back to form. He can keep that visor on (even borrow one from Lavar Burton) and run wild with numbers like that!
Football HALF ASSES of the Week:
The New York Giants
Their defense looked great against the Bears, sacking Jay Cutler NINE TIMES in the first half and sending him packing with a concussion! A few weeks ago, these idiots couldn’t tackle a drunken toddler! The other half – their offense is still shaky and Manning still looks like he wants to cry. The offense needs to respond and take some pressure off the defense.
The Minnesota Vikings
Signing Randy Moss may prove to be the best move of their season. Still he has to try to catch passes from Father Time, Brett Favre! Let’s hope Brett looks better now that he has a top-quality wide receiver. And, with Moss as a deep threat, this should open up Minnesota’s all-but-absent running game.
The New Orleans Saints
The Saints have been playing extremely lackluster football all season. They won this game … by kicking three f*cking field goals! Drew Brees is one of the league’s best quarterbacks … well, he was last season! En route to their Super Bowl victory last season they scored tons of points. This year they’ve scored 79 points but given up 72 points! It’s shocking that they’ve only lost one game so far. If they stay on this path, more loses will surely follow!
