Week Five – The Real Cowboys Are Back

Posted by Main Ass on October 13, 2010 in Entertainment/Sports |

Football A**HOLES of the Week:

Brett’s apology to his teammates went something like this “I’m so sorry that I actually showed another person, other than my long-suffering wife, my ridiculously small penis! Please forgive me! Let’s all sing a round of ‘Pants on the Ground!’”


The Dallas Cowboys

A few weeks ago, I declared that the Cowboys wanted me dead. This week, I want them dead! UGHHH! So many bone-headed plays … so many turnovers … so many sacks … so many morons!

Here are just a few of the reasons the Cowboys are 1 and 3: 1) they turned the ball over in the red zone in the 3rd quarter; 2) they amassed 12 penalties for 133 yards; and 3) Romo was intercepted three times (largely because he telegraphs his passes) and sacked six times (largely because he’s holding the ball like it’s a baby that he’s trying to rock to sleep). This guy used to have one of the quickest releases in the league. Now he stands in the pocket like a statue and can’t figure out why he’s being sacked!

According to news reports, the team is beyond angry about the penalty for Marc Colombo and Jason Witten celebrating a touchdown that tied the game, claiming it was unfair and may have cost them the game. Give me a f&cking break! See the list above for what cost you the game, DUMBASSES! That and piss-poor tackling on the ensuing kick-off return! The mark of an undisciplined team with lowered expectations is celebrating a touchdown that tied the game (meaning they were LOSING) as if they had won the f&cking Super Bowl!

At this point in the season, a team’s record speaks volumes. The Cowboys are 1 and 3 and will be lucky to finish the season 8 and 8 given the teams they will face and the current state of play they exhibit every week. So, let’s just call this one … the Cowboys suck monkey balls! Tons of talent is being wasted and a team that should be Super Bowl caliber is playing like a bad high school football team.

Also, Romo is an idiot. During the post-game interview he said that he was “very surprised” at their record and that “1 and 3 doesn’t sit well with me. It doesn’t feel good.” Keep throwing interceptions at your current pace, Shakespeare, and you’ll have thrown about 20 this season! The real problem is the Cowboys drank the Kool Aid and believed all of the undeserved hype they got during the off-season. So every week, they show up and play like their opponents are basking in their glow and will just lay down. Well, your opponents are drinking Gatorade and are not nearly as impressed with you as you are with yourselves! Wake up! Although the NFC East is a wasteland, the Cowboys’ season is about three weeks from being over!

The Minnesota Vikings’ Brett Favre

What a DB! Father Time sexually harasses a co-worker by sending her nude-photos of himself via text! Really! When is that EVER a good idea?! Those photos always come back to haunt you, whether you’re an NFL superstar or Bob the bag boy at Kroger’s! Put the f&cking camera phone away and stop sexting because nothing good ever comes of it. Now, since it seems Brett’s perfect attendance record is about to come to an end once Roger Goodell hears from Jenn Sterger, good ol’ Brett claims his elbow injury is so bad he might miss a game! What a classless A**HOLE! Take your punishment like a man, grandpa! Ohh, and Brett’s apology to his teammates went something like this “I’m so sorry that I actually showed another person, other than my long-suffering wife, my ridiculously small penis! Please forgive me! Let’s all sing a round of ‘Pants on the Ground!’”

The San Francisco 49ers

What the f*ck is going on in the Bay Area! Did Singletary have a stroke or something between the end of the game and his post-game interview?! During the interview, Singletary kept stating, “The best team we’ve played is the 49ers.” What? Really?! Did they beat you too? That’s like an only child playing Connect Four by herself and losing! What kind of f&cktard sh*t is this?! He’s lost his mind! So, it gives me great pleasure to pronounce the Niners dead on the field! They will likely walk away from this season with four wins and I’m being nice. At the end of the day, the Niners suck because they seem to find a way to beat themselves week in and week out! They should make sure their quarterback isn’t on the take because that’s the only thing to explain his decision-making on Sunday … that or he’s a ROYAL DUMBASS!

The New Orleans Saints

I suppose they thought every team in the league was going to let them win because they finally won the Super Bowl. Well, we don’t live in fairy tale land and that just doesn’t happen, voodoo doll or not! When you win the Super Bowl, you have a target on your back, week in and week out. Every team in the NFL wants to prove they can beat you! Let’s review how the Saints gave away another game on Sunday: 1) the now fired field goal kicker missed a kick that would have given them the lead; 2) Drew Brees threw a pass from his own end zone and it was picked off; and 3) Arizona scored 21 points off of four Saints’ turnovers, three of which were interceptions. Who knew Reggie Bush would be so important to this team?! They have gone from averaging almost 32 points per game last season to less than 20! Hey Sean, inconsistent play DOES mean there’s something wrong! Apparently, denial is not just a river in Egypt! (I know … it’s an oldie but still a goodie!)

The Cincinnati Bengal’s Carson Palmer

Carson Palmer threw three interceptions this week, two in the final three minutes of the games! He is 12 and 13 as a starter since the 2008 season. He’s making a sh*t load of money and that’s what he brings to his team. If this were another country, he’d have his hands cut off, fitting punishment for the thief he is. But, since we live in America and he gets to keep his hands (those horrible, horrible hands), he should give the team their money back because they were sold a bill of goods, much like the Cowboys with Romo. The Bucs … THE BUCS won this game because they scored 17 points off of Palmer’s three interceptions!

Football SWEET ASSES of the Week:

The Rams and Super Bowl in the same sentence! The Rams couldn’t win a game in the Rose Bowl playing a group of old ladies from the local retirement home! Whatever Spanuolo is smoking, he needs to puff-puff-pass!

The New York Giants

I hate to write this but the New York Giants looked much better this week, beating a quality Houston team at home. The Giants defense played hard and led them to a victory, despite Eli’s two interceptions. Also, it certainly didn’t hurt that Houston’s defense played dead and let the Giants run all over the field. They looked tired which made the Giants look very good.

The Detroit Lions

The Detroit Lions played the sh&t out of the Rams. Don’t get me wrong, they both suck but in this game the Lions sucked a whole lot less than the Rams and actually looked good! Yeah! One team had to win and the Lions poured it on while the Rams did what they do best in this game … not a DAMNED thing! The Lions racked up 44 points to become the highest scoring team in the horrific NFC! In each of their previous three games, Shaun Hill threw two interceptions to help his team lose. In this game, he threw three touchdowns for 227 yards and no interceptions! Keep it up Shaun and your team can let another team (like the Bills or the Niners or the Panthers) fight over the first round draft pick!

Clearly stunned by this outcome, the Rams’ coach, Steve Spagnuolo actually let lose this little ditty: “There are teams that went to Super Bowls that during the season had one of those days,” Spagnuolo said. “I’m hoping that it’s the one and it’s done and we move on.” Excuse me! The Rams and Super Bowl in the same sentence! The Rams couldn’t win a game in the Rose Bowl playing a group of old ladies from the local retirement home! Whatever Spanuolo is smoking, he needs to puff-puff-pass!

Football HALF-ASSES of the Week:

Randy Moss and Tom Brady (aka the Beard and Goldilocks)

Two grown-ass men fighting about hair … that should only happen in a Broadway musical or an episode of “Glee!” WTF?! Really?! Randy Moss gets traded for telling the truth about Tom’s hair! Yes, f&cktard, you look like a five-year-old girl! And, admitting that your wife won’t let you cut your hair … what did you expect?! This is football, not ballet! Grow a pair, Tom! And, Randy, that beard makes you like a Black Unibomber! Cut that taco meat off your f*cking face!

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