Week Six of Football – The Cowboys Are Driving Me To Drink

Posted by Main Ass on October 19, 2010 in Entertainment/Sports |

Football A**HOLES of the Week:

Wade and Jason are the Scylla and Charybdis of the Cowboys! I simply don’t see a way for this team to turn itself around unless Wade and Jason go jet skiing in Mexico and are taken out by a drug cartel!

The Dallas Cowboys

The Cowboys lost again. Why am I not surprised to be writing this … again? There were many reasons for this lackluster performance but the main one was the Cowboys’ offensive coordinator. Simply stated, Jason Garrett is offensive in his predictable play calling! He has at his disposal one of the league’s best quarterbacks (at least that’s what I am told), when he is not throwing interceptions and I don’t know when that is, and some of the top receivers in Dez Bryant, Roy Williams and Miles Austin. And, what play does Garrett continually call? Screen passes!

This was one of the worst games to watch the Cowboys lose because they could have won it in convincing fashion. I stopped counting the penalties in the first half because I only have so many fingers (they ended the game with 11 for 91 yards). Speaking of fingers, I’d like to give a very stiff one to the coaching staff of this team! The players were undisciplined and the play calling on both sides of the ball was pedestrian at best.

What caused this loss? A kickoff returned for a touchdown by the Vikings. An interception on a 3rd and 1! Why were the Cowboys throwing on a 3rd and 1? Because Garrett is an A**HOLE! Why throw the ball with that coverage? Because Romo is a DUMBASS! And, that final series with 28 seconds left in the game almost gave me herpes of the eyes! Why did Dez Bryant catch the ball and try to run with no timeouts and 28 seconds on the clock?! Let the ball bounce in the endzone and give the offense a f&cking chance since they only needed to get in field goal range for their kicker, whatever the hell that is given that he misses more than he makes them! Instead he danced around, wasted 15 seconds and didn’t gain any yards! Who called that play?! Who?! I want a hit put out on that moron!

Jason Garrett was hailed as an offensive mastermind during Romo’s first season. In 2008, the Cowboys made him the highest paid assistant in the NFL at $3 million a year! WTF?! How’s that working for you, Jerry? Right now, either Garrett is a bumbling idiot who should be stripped of his duties or he is purposely tanking the Cowboys on offense so he can take Wade’s job next season because that would be the only head coaching job available to him after this season! Now, I don’t think it’s the latter but watching the plays he has called in the first five games of the season with the talent on this team has me scratching my head. This team is now 1 and 4 when they were Super Bowl aspirants and they will be lucky to end the season 8 and 8.

Wade and Jason are the Scylla and Charybdis of the Cowboys! I simply don’t see a way for this team to turn itself around unless Wade and Jason go jet skiing in Mexico and are taken out by a drug cartel! Maybe then, the Cowboys can get a competent coaching staff! I understand Bill Cowher is considering returning to football! PLEASE … PLEASE let him come to Dallas! If so, he should keep a wooden paddle on the sidelines and handle business when players get stupid penalties. And, Bill, if you won’t come to Dallas as a coach, please consider taking a job as a consultant with paddling duties! The players act like big babies and they should be treated as such! Get a stupid penalty, get paddled!

My friend’s 68-year-old mother who loves the Cowboys (probably because they have cute outfits) summed up what needs to happen: “They need to fire their coach and the owner!” If only that were possible Al Davis would have been fired over 20 years ago! “What kind of plays were they calling?!” If she gets it, why can’t these highly-paid professionals get a clue?! And, you know this team is desperate when they activate a reality TV contestant!

The San Diego Chargers

WTF? Is their offensive line made of Swiss cheese? No seriously … are the players made of Swiss cheese because Rivers was sacked seven times in this game?! I am sure LaDainian Tomlinson is very happy to be playing for the Jets. The Rams were up 17 to 0 in the first half! The Rams! The field goal kicker of the Chargers missed a field goal because he slipped on Astroturf and this ended up costing them the game! This team has lost to the Raiders AND the Rams! WTF?! This team is too talented to play like this! San Diego, you are a loss away from heading to the CFL!

The Chicago Bears

The Bears are the team we think they are! They are a team that sucks! How can they be 4 and 2?! Jay Cutler was sacked six times! Did he get a steel plate in his head like I suggested a few weeks ago?! Their offensive line would be better if it were comprised of mannequins and dolls, like the ones from the Old Navy commercials. Then, maybe no one would need to make excuses for the lack of protection!

The Jacksonville Jaguars

What was I watching? This was a trainwreck on a football field. It’s like the Jaguars came to play lawn bowling at an NFL game! The incompetence on both sides of the ball was unimaginable! They looked as bad as the Cowboys … actually, they looked worse … much, much worse! I think the regular players were replaced with scabs from the 1987 strike season … those very same players who would all be in their 50s now! Wow! The Jaguars should wear bags over their helmets! Just awful!

Football SWEET ASSES of the Week:

You could probably put my mom in at quarterback and this team would win! The offense is firing on all cylinders and the defense is laying it on opposing teams! Kolb got over his heartbreak and has come back throwing bombs to that impressive Eagles’ receiver core.

The Houston Texans

After last week’s ass whupping from the Giants, everyone expected the Texans to give up. In this game, they looked down and out but kept fighting back. In the end, they pulled out a victory on sheer will! They scored 14 points in the last seven minutes of the game! They played smart, consistent, virtually error-free football which is a far cry from what’s going on in Dallas. Given the way they have been playing and handling adversity, I am predicting that the Texans will make it to the playoffs and represent Texas because Dallas will be residing at the bottom of the NFC East come December. Oh wait, that’s where they are now! Christmas has come early!

The Miami Dolphins

What a win over the Green Bay Packers! While it was a close game, the Dolphins gave the Packers the business and won the game in overtime with tough running. It was a team win with the defense sacking Rodgers five times and getting an interception.

The Philadelphia Eagles

You could probably put my mom in at quarterback and this team would win! The offense is firing on all cylinders and the defense is laying it on opposing teams! Kolb got over his heartbreak and has come back throwing bombs to that impressive Eagles’ receiver core. This week he was 23 of 29 for 326 yards! He was a beast! With either Kolb or Vick, this team is a threat! I cannot wait to see them face the Giants. That should be an exciting game, unlike the Cowboys-Giants game coming on Monday. I expect to cry and drink … a lot!

On another note, I was very happy to watch both DeSean Jackson of the Eagles and Dunta Robinson of the Falcons walk away from what looked like the human equivalent of a head-on collision.

The New York Jets

Even though Mark Sanchez threw two interceptions in this game, his first interceptions since 2009, this team dug deep and beat the Denver Broncos! LaDainian Tomlinson, proving with each touch that it was a bad move for the Chargers to get rid of him, had two touchdowns! Sanchez recovered from the interceptions to finish the game 17 of 30 for 198 yards and one touchdown, leading the Jets to victory and making them the first team to win five games this season!

Football HALF ASSES of the Week:

I would rather watch the opening ceremonies for the Special Olympics on repeat for a full day than to watch [the 49ers and the Raiders] play each other. But, alas, the images of this game are permanently burned into my retinas. I will go rip my eyeballs out now!

The Pittsburgh Steelers

The Steelers beat the Browns. Big f&cking deal! That’s nothing to brag about. That’s like bragging that you’ve never been to jail, Ben! The Browns were 1 and 4 entering this game. My cat could beat the Browns if she were playing with other cats and a few dogs and they were all given thumbs in some scientifically-impossible surgery! The Steelers were supposed to beat the Browns. So, when the Steelers, with Big Ben at the helm, beat a team over .500, I’ll give them a cookie!

The New York Giants vs. The Detroit Lions

Same as above. Substitute the Giants for the Steelers! Giants, you’re supposed to win this game in convincing fashion. You won, but barely!

The San Francisco 49ers vs. The Oakland Raiders

Someone had to win this game/horror show! I would rather watch the opening ceremonies for the Special Olympics on repeat for a full day than to watch these teams play each other. But, alas, the images of this game are permanently burned into my retinas. I will go rip my eyeballs out now!

San Francisco is no longer winless. Yippee! Mike Singletary keeps his job for one more week! He and Wade Phillips should grab some potato skins at Chili’s and share notes on how to squander talent! Combined these two geniuses are five short of McNugget six-pack!

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