What The F*%k Are You Doing in the Restroom?!

Posted by Main Ass on September 17, 2010 in In The Office |

Etiquette (aka Sh*t Your Mom Should Have Taught You):
How to Use the Restroom at Work – Part 1

This is for the ladies – learn to SQUAT! If that brain-dead mother of yours didn’t teach you how to squat properly, hit yourself on the head with a stapler, take it to her house and then hit her.

Once a year, an email goes around about committing a justifiable act of violence against your co-workers – National Slap An Irritating Co-Worker Day! And, each year I eye my stapler lovingly … wishfully, hoping I can muster the courage to follow through and slap the SH*T out of some of my disgusting co-workers. But, alas, each year passes with this national holiday going uncelebrated by me and many others who feel the very same way. Each year, we let these A**HOLES off to commit the same offense day after day, week after week, month after month! What offense is so egregious that I want to physically harm another person? Disgusting public restroom habits that leave me shocked and horrified, like Eddie Murphy in “Daddy Daycare.” These A**HOLES manage to ruin the workplace restroom for everyone … everyone with normal restroom habits, that is!

Having worked in the private sector for many years, I have seen all manner of public restroom etiquette – or more accurately, the lack thereof! As a result, I have culled some rules to keep you A**HOLES safe from getting an old-fashioned ASS WHUPPING!

1. Mask your gas or giant craps! If you are gassy and/or need to take a crap, and someone else (presumably a co-worker) is in the bathroom with you, wait until they flush and then push push push for all it’s worth while the swosh and swirl of the toilet masks the crazy sounds emanating from your dirty bunghole!

2. Wait until you are alone. If you were unable to do #1, then by all means do NOT leave while the other person is still there. If you do and they see you, you will be known as the person who farts like an elephant and/or drops loads resembling that from a horse. And, it’s highly likely that there will be water cooler talk about how the smell coming from your stall melted the person’s nose hairs! As you should know by now, everyone else’s shit doesn’t stink … yours, however, rivals that of a dead skunk … midday … on a NYC street. Yeah … it’s just that f*%king bad!

3. Get Off The Phone! Very few calls are important enough for you to take while you’re on the bowl! No one wants to hear the unmistakable sounds of you taking a dump or a piss. I was once in a public restroom while someone had an entire conversation from the stall while taking care of their other business! It’s rude. It can wait … the call that is! If it is against the law in most states to dial while driving, it should certainly be against the law to dial while dumping! Need I say more!

4. This is for the ladies – learn to SQUAT! If that brain-dead mother of yours didn’t teach you how to squat properly, hit yourself on the head with a stapler, take it to her house and then hit her. And, if she’s actually brain-dead, ala Terry Schiavo, hit her a few more times because she can’t feel it. If you are not sure if you know how to squat properly, chances are that you don’t. So, do us all a favor … grab the stapler and just go to town! Why do I want you to hit yourself? Because the odds are pretty damned high that you are one of the nasty bitches peeing on the seat! And, in case you didn’t know, no one else wants to sit in your urine. It’s true boo … we really don’t! So, wipe that sh*t (if that’s there, we are really going to have a problem) up!

And, how can you not know that you peed on the seat?! You have to turn around to flush the toilet. Unless you are a member of Cirque de Soliel and you can bend your rubber leg behind you and flush without looking, you must turn around and face what you have wrought just like everyone else. At that point, if you notice wetness on the seat or anything else, wipe it up, A**HOLE!

5. Flush the f*%king toilet! No one else needs to experience the Indian food you had two days ago now that it has run its course through your digestive system! Or be blinded by your radioactive, yellow piss! Flush! You are not at home. In your home, do whatever the hell you want. Pee and poop on the floor or rub it on the mirrors for all I care! But, when you are using a public restroom, you owe it to the person coming in after you to treat the toilet with some respect. It is the royal bowl, afterall!

The next time I catch someone not flushing, I am going to come to your office and pee on you. That’s right! I am going to pull an R. Kelly! I once worked at a place where one of my co-workers insisted on not flushing … why? Because she didn’t want to be hit with the blow back from the toilet. It was unsanitary. Her words … seriously! Are you f*&king kidding me? It’s your blow back, A**HOLE! Do you think I want to be hit with it when I unsuspectingly walk into the stall and have to flush your waste material, you dirty biatche?! Ughh!

My blood pressure is rising! To be continued!

And, here’s a short video for your enjoyment. Push!

We also have a photo of bad urinal etiquette at Huffington Post … Check out #7!

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