Week Two of Football – Just Shank Me Now!

Posted by Main Ass on September 21, 2010 in Entertainment/Sports |

Football A**HOLES of the Week:

[Wade Phillips] shows about as much excitement during the game as a fat kid confronted with a platter of crudités for his birthday instead of cake!

The Dallas Cowboys – They Want Me Dead!

In their second game of the season, the Cowboys did what many elite teams in the NFL are unable or unwilling to do, make the Chicago Bears and Lovie Smith look good! BTW, what the f*ck kind of name is Lovie for a man?! Your parents really hate you! You can’t name a kid something like that these days and get away with it! Try naming your son Susie and I bet he stabs you in your sleep! But, back to football!

Since their visit to the Super Bowl four seasons ago, the Bears have looked lost and confused, like a professional soccer team in the US. This week in Dallas, however, they looked right at home and even had more fans in Dallas’ stadium than the home team.

The Cowboys can’t blame this loss on Alex Barron! Since his number wasn’t called once during the game, I can only assume that Barron was tied up in the locker room by Jerry Jones. But, even without his bone-headed plays, the Cowboys still managed to f*ck up in almost every quarter. In the first quarter, after their first score, the Cowboys decided to try an on-side kick … WHY?! I screamed as I pulled out my hair watching the kick sail in the air and right into the hands of a Bear. The damned kick didn’t even travel ten yards and it severely shortened the field for the Bears. That led to an easy score that was the difference between a much-needed Cowboy win and the actual loss they earned.

Ahh, Jason Garrett, you and Wade Phillips are trying to kill me! Yes! You are! On the sidelines, Wade Phillips looks as if he is coaching a Pee Wee team. As if each loss means nothing and he’s going to buy the kids pizza and ice cream afterwards to make them feel better. And, he shows about as much excitement during the game as a fat kid confronted with a platter of crudités for his birthday instead of cake! Wake up Wade! It’s the f*cking NFL! This is a professional team playing in a professional league in a stadium that cost a billion dollars!

Can we please have Apollo Creed from the Bud Light commercials as our coach? He at least has what LOOKS like a play book from Madden NFL! Jason Garrett has been touted as the next great hope for the Cowboys along with Tony Romo. How is that working out? Well, let’s see! Since their anointment, the dynamic duo have combined for ONE f*cking win in three post-seasons. One post-season showing was so horrific that it made T.O. cry and he doesn’t even have working tear ducts!

On a high note, both DeMarcus Ware and Miles Austin looked great (even with a few dropped balls and after dating Kim “I’ll do anyone in an NFL jersey” Kardashian)!

The Minnesota Vikings’ Brett Favre

I loved to hate Brett Favre when he played in Green Bay. His battles with the Cowboys were legendary and always fun to watch. But then he retired. Then he unretired and went to the Jets. Then he retired again. Then he unretired and went to the Vikings. Then he retired. I died and came back to life just as he unretired to play again. Enough already, A**HOLE! You’re almost 41! You retired to skip training camp. Then, you started the regular season and looked a bit rusty in the loss to the Super Bowl Champion Saints. No worries, you’re Brett Favre and you can pull it together. But you didn’t! Now, there’s really no way to sugar coat this … you sucked monkey balls and now your team is 0 and 2!

The next time you retire, I hope your teammates tie you up in someone’s basement! That commercial where you’re still playing in the NFL long after everyone else is dead … no one wants to see that … except your DUMBASS! Retire for good and give the Vikings a chance to build a team that won’t have to hold practice in a nursing home!

The Tennessee Titans’ Jeff Fisher, Vince Young AND Kerry Collins

Mr. Fisher make up your f*cking mind! If Young is your man then play him … all the damned time! Vince saved your f*cking job last season … he is 13-2 since he became the starter. What message do you send when the team is reeling and you pull your starter? That you only want him when he plays well! I watched a game against Buffalo a few years ago where Tony Romo threw FIVE F*CKING interceptions! What did Wade do? He did what any stand-up coach does. He “danced with the one who brung him” and kept Romo in the game. You, sir, are no Wade Phillips! Simply put, Mr. Fisher, you are a DUMBASS!

Vince Young – three turnovers! Really! Did you eat a bucket of fried chicken before the game and have greasy hands? Is that the reason you couldn’t hold the ball?! Less than a week after stating that you do not want Reggie Bush’s tainted Heisman you pull out this kind of performance! Without a doubt, Vince looked awful! I mean … he looked like warmed over caca out there. But, he still didn’t deserve to be pulled.

Kerry Collins stepped in and replaced Vince. Brilliant idea, Jeffrey! Now we are going to see some sparks! Kerry then threw a beautiful pass down the field … to a Steelers’ player! Good job, Kerry! Way to inspire the team! Wasn’t it this kind of inspired play in his 0-6 start last year that cost Mr. Collins his job? Here’s a suggestion, Jeffrey: before putting his old A** in, someone probably should have told Kerry that his team was wearing white! Also, when there are ten seconds left in the game and you don’t have any timeouts, Kerry, you do NOT throw a pass down the center of the f*cking field! The average price of an NFL ticket: $120. The value of Vince Young’s contract: $1 gazillion dollars! Losing your job to Kerry Collins again: priceless!

Football SWEET ASSES of the Week:

The New York Jets!

After watching the Jets WHUP some Patriot A**, I gotta give ‘em some love! Especially, since the Jets were the team to expose the Patriots and their cheating ways! Watching this game was like drinking a vintage red wine … so sweet, so satisfying! Another team that usually gives the ’72 Dolphins fits … eliminated from undefeated contention!

The Houston Texans!

They are making their second appearance here so the people of Texas can hold their heads high until someone wakes up the Cowboys and reminds them that it’s no longer the pre-season. The Texans overcame a 17-point deficit and kicked some Washington A**!

Football HALFASSES of the Week:

The Oakland Raiders vs. the St. Louis Rams

Someone had to win this game played by two loser teams. Oakland did. Who gives a f*ck?! They are still awful! This was like watching two retarded kids put together a jigsaw puzzle … painful!

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