A Black Person Did It! Just Kidding! It Was Me!
Here we go again! Another f*%ked up person does something really stupid and criminal and then blames a Black person! In an unusual twist, a white woman, Bethany Storro, blames a Black woman for throwing acid on her face. Usually, a white woman (or man) accuses a Black MAN of committing the alleged crime.
Bethany claims she wanted “to inspire people (hope I have) and tell them about Jesus.” WTF?! So, to inspire people and share the word of Jesus, you thought it was a good idea to 1) injure yourself by carefully putting acid on your face and 2) implicate another person in this horrible crime? Do I have that straight? “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.” Did that get lost in her quest to inspire?! This, of course, begs the question “What would Jesus do?” Not something like this, that’s for damn sure! For co-opting Jesus for some crazy sh*t and then doing something very un-Christ like by blaming another, Bethany is our A**HOLE of the week! And, it doesn’t matter one bit that her parents say she’s sorry! She’s still a BIG CRAZY A**HOLE!
Click here for other instances of white people implicating Black people in crimes they (the alleged victim) actually committed!
What The F*%k Are You Doing in the Restroom?!
Etiquette (aka Sh*t Your Mom Should Have Taught You):
How to Use the Restroom at Work – Part 1
This is for the ladies – learn to SQUAT! If that brain-dead mother of yours didn’t teach you how to squat properly, hit yourself on the head with a stapler, take it to her house and then hit her.
Once a year, an email goes around about committing a justifiable act of violence against your co-workers – National Slap An Irritating Co-Worker Day! And, each year I eye my stapler lovingly … wishfully, hoping I can muster the courage to follow through and slap the SH*T out of some of my disgusting co-workers. But, alas, each year passes with this national holiday going uncelebrated by me and many others who feel the very same way. Each year, we let these A**HOLES off to commit the same offense day after day, week after week, month after month! What offense is so egregious that I want to physically harm another person? Disgusting public restroom habits that leave me shocked and horrified, like Eddie Murphy in “Daddy Daycare.” These A**HOLES manage to ruin the workplace restroom for everyone … everyone with normal restroom habits, that is!
Having worked in the private sector for many years, I have seen all manner of public restroom etiquette – or more accurately, the lack thereof! As a result, I have culled some rules to keep you A**HOLES safe from getting an old-fashioned ASS WHUPPING!
1. Mask your gas or giant craps! If you are gassy and/or need to take a crap, and someone else (presumably a co-worker) is in the bathroom with you, wait until they flush and then push push push for all it’s worth while the swosh and swirl of the toilet masks the crazy sounds emanating from your dirty bunghole!
2. Wait until you are alone. If you were unable to do #1, then by all means do NOT leave while the other person is still there. If you do and they see you, you will be known as the person who farts like an elephant and/or drops loads resembling that from a horse. And, it’s highly likely that there will be water cooler talk about how the smell coming from your stall melted the person’s nose hairs! As you should know by now, everyone else’s shit doesn’t stink … yours, however, rivals that of a dead skunk … midday … on a NYC street. Yeah … it’s just that f*%king bad!
3. Get Off The Phone! Very few calls are important enough for you to take while you’re on the bowl! No one wants to hear the unmistakable sounds of you taking a dump or a piss. I was once in a public restroom while someone had an entire conversation from the stall while taking care of their other business! It’s rude. It can wait … the call that is! If it is against the law in most states to dial while driving, it should certainly be against the law to dial while dumping! Need I say more!
4. This is for the ladies – learn to SQUAT! If that brain-dead mother of yours didn’t teach you how to squat properly, hit yourself on the head with a stapler, take it to her house and then hit her. And, if she’s actually brain-dead, ala Terry Schiavo, hit her a few more times because she can’t feel it. If you are not sure if you know how to squat properly, chances are that you don’t. So, do us all a favor … grab the stapler and just go to town! Why do I want you to hit yourself? Because the odds are pretty damned high that you are one of the nasty bitches peeing on the seat! And, in case you didn’t know, no one else wants to sit in your urine. It’s true boo … we really don’t! So, wipe that sh*t (if that’s there, we are really going to have a problem) up!
And, how can you not know that you peed on the seat?! You have to turn around to flush the toilet. Unless you are a member of Cirque de Soliel and you can bend your rubber leg behind you and flush without looking, you must turn around and face what you have wrought just like everyone else. At that point, if you notice wetness on the seat or anything else, wipe it up, A**HOLE!
5. Flush the f*%king toilet! No one else needs to experience the Indian food you had two days ago now that it has run its course through your digestive system! Or be blinded by your radioactive, yellow piss! Flush! You are not at home. In your home, do whatever the hell you want. Pee and poop on the floor or rub it on the mirrors for all I care! But, when you are using a public restroom, you owe it to the person coming in after you to treat the toilet with some respect. It is the royal bowl, afterall!
The next time I catch someone not flushing, I am going to come to your office and pee on you. That’s right! I am going to pull an R. Kelly! I once worked at a place where one of my co-workers insisted on not flushing … why? Because she didn’t want to be hit with the blow back from the toilet. It was unsanitary. Her words … seriously! Are you f*&king kidding me? It’s your blow back, A**HOLE! Do you think I want to be hit with it when I unsuspectingly walk into the stall and have to flush your waste material, you dirty biatche?! Ughh!
My blood pressure is rising! To be continued!
And, here’s a short video for your enjoyment. Push!
We also have a photo of bad urinal etiquette at Huffington Post … Check out #7!
Football is Back … What a F*&king Mess!
So I watched the first Sunday of professional football and it was … a f*&king mess!
Football A**HOLES of the Week:
Even I, a person who has never played organized football at any level, know enough about the sport to understand that with less than 4 seconds on the clock, you take a F*&KING KNEE and end the half, morons!
The Dallas Cowboys!
I am a life long Dallas Cowboys’ fan. I have watched them my entire life and suffered through the horrible Danny White era at quarterback. He, like Tony Romo, had flashes of brilliance. He, like Romo, always let us down when it mattered most. Romo and/or Jason Garrett (apparently the next head coach of the Cowboys after Wade Phillips eats a rookie) and Alex Barron are the A**holes of the Week for the Cowboys.
Garrett and/or Romo was responsible for providing Washington with their only touchdown by running a f*&king play at the end of the 2nd quarter when they were over 60 yards away from the end zone! Really! Are you kidding me? Even I, a person who has never played organized football at any level, know enough about the sport to understand that with less than 4 seconds on the clock, you take a F*&KING KNEE and end the half, morons! What was this play designed to do? Pad someone’s stats? Problem is, the only person’s stats that got padded was DeAngelo Hall’s! On Monday, for some odd reason Wade Phillips was taking the blame for the call. No Wade, take the blame for the defense … you call those plays and are responsible for those players!
The next A**hole is Alex Barron, the most penalized A**hole in the NFL last year! Barron is a moron and this week he is a big A**HOLE! The legal equivalent to being the most penalized player would be if a lawyer were sanctioned every time she stepped into court! The waiter equivalent would be if the server dropped a plate of food on a customer every time he worked a shift! In other words, if you performed like Barron in any other profession, you’d be fired! As for Barron, there has to be someone out there at that position with two or three working brain cells who can do the job better than this A**HOLE! Something tells me he is not done costing the Cowboys games this season!
The Oakland Raiders
As for the other A**holes in the league, something tells me this list may always include the Oakland Raiders … at least until they stop signing criminals or Al Davis dies. Until one of those things happens, they are going to suck! If the NFL had a farm system, the Raiders would be in it! The entire team!
The Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles … hmmm … interesting choice to get rid of McNabb. He didn’t look too bad against Dallas but the young guy you tapped to replace him got a concussion. Then Michael Vick took over and ran around a lot. Maybe if the Packers were pitbulls, Vick would have killed them and the Eagles would have won!
Yeah … yeah … I’m an A**HOLE, get over it! He’s a convicted felon who gets to play in the National Football League! If I get convicted of a felony, my law license is gone. And, I am done! PERIOD! Maybe I should have learned to chuck a ball and then I could do whatever I wanted with little or no consequence. Big Ben will be the next quarterback to make this list. He really LOVES the ladies … a little too much!
Football SWEET ASSES of the Week:
The Houston Texans!
I never thought I would see this … the Houston Texans defeating the Indianapolis Colts in the season opener. And, I mean, they beat the crap out of them! It was a thing of beauty! And, I appreciate the Texans putting the season-long mystery to rest after the first game of the season! The Colts do not have to worry about going undefeated … the ‘72 Miami team can start chillin’ that champagne! They will likely be able to break into it before the 12th week of the season what with Randy Moss not feeling loved in New England … what a f*&king baby! Shut up, catch the ball and leave the whine in Napa where it belongs!
