My Attorney Made Me Do It!
Update: Lohan was released later this evening after some other California judge decided to do something dumb, like following the actual law!
First off, let’s state the obvious … LINDSAY LOHAN is a f&cking train wreck! Who actually thought she wouldn’t fall off the wagon into a mound of cocaine?! This outcome was about as predictable as another homosexual sex scandal involving a homophobic preacher (I got my eye on you, Bishop Long).
Let’s chronicle HOW we got here today. Lindsay gets out of jail early, which happens for everyone sent to jail in California (where about 68% of the population is or has been a guest of the prison industrial complex). Then, she leaves rehab early. Maybe someone played that Amy Winehouse song for her and she said “F&ck this sh*t! If Amy ain’t doing it, then I ain’t doing it!” In case you’re wondering, that’s how Lindsay talks.
Just because [Lindsay] was left alone in her hotel room and chose to do coke is not the fault of her attorney. I have spent many nights alone in a hotel room and a few grams of coke have never magically appeared next to the Gideon Bible!
Then, just a sure as rain in Seattle on a Tuesday, she starts doing drugs again. But, in her defense, apparently Lindsay didn’t get the memo informing her DUMBASS that cocaine is indeed a DRUG, highly likely to show up on a DRUG test! And, according to the LATE Rick James, it is a very powerful drug at that!
An even bigger A**HOLE in this saga is MICHAEL LOHAN for doing drugs around young Lindsay when she was a child. With this f*cked up family, truth imitates fiction … Lohan utters the famous line from that PSA commercial “I learned it by watching you!” while her father snorts coke and passes her the straw. I think the only person doing more coke than Lohan is Tony Montana and we saw how that ended after “Say hello to my little friend!”
Then Papa Lohan has the audacity to blame this latest drug binge on her attorney. He claims the bad advice given by Lohan’s attorney led to this! Excuse me! One usually does not go from bad advice directly to coke up one’s nose. Usually there’s a lot of sh&t in between. And, it’s not like the attorney bought the coke, gave her a straw and a mirror, and then held her hair back!
Sorry, Michael! I ain’t buying it! Just because your daughter was left alone in her hotel room and chose to do coke is not the fault of her attorney. I have spent many nights alone in a hotel room and a few grams of coke have never magically appeared next to the Gideon Bible! But, it was Fashion Week! Maybe when Lohan got her bedbug-themed gift basket, it included complimentary cocaine! How else do you think those girls remain a size -6?!
And, we’re not the only ones who have had enough of Lindsay. A few weeks ago, JERRY LEWIS let it be known that she’d better watch herself or he’d snack her in the mouth! Damn Jerry! Spending time with all those crippled kids has left you with lots of pent up anger … but he does have a point! And, kudos to JUDGE ELDEN FOX for denying Lohan bail thereby ensuring she’ll be locked up for at least 30 days this time! Good luck finding drugs! Ohh … wait … she’s going to JAIL … never mind!
So, for not realizing cocaine is indeed a drug and all of her other missteps these past 3 years, Lindsay Lohan is this week’s A**HOLE! But for being such an awful parent and clearly an enabler, Michael Lohan is this week’s even BIGGER A**HOLE!
